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2008-08-18T18:11:00.000+08:00

can u imagine this...

2007-11-16T03:18:00.001+08:00

i can only imagine... imagine being with Him, being in the court with all those that had gone before me. will i be dancing with joy, slient cuz i am filled with awe or .... wat will i do....wat will u do....

i am moving!!!

2007-08-24T19:10:00.000+08:00

http://squirrelupthetree.blogspot.com/

this will be new blog site. see ya

passing on

2007-08-24T04:03:00.000+08:00

couple of my friends had been blogging abt this topic. cuz recently there were lots of death cases. as a child i always wonder why is there so many occurance of wakes whenever it was lunar 7th month. there were 2 sayings- 1 because the spirits of the dead relatives will come and bring those they love/ have mercy along with them and the other saying will be because of all those smoke and bad weather during the lunar 7th month those that are very ill normally will not be able to take it thus have a higher risk of dying. so what is the real deal?

i have no idea and doesn't want to spectulate too. i see death as a celebration of life. weird hor? i am not sure how a dying person will feel and what he/she will see and be at ultimately. however nursing those really ill patient makes my heartache. it painful to see them suffer. in fact i was just talking to another friend of mine last week regarding some expectation of patient's family members on wanting the hospital to CURE the knowingly dying patient.

no matter how much the best Dr/ Prof can order to treat the patient, they are no God! ya, maybe the Drs can extend the life of the patient but won't it be equal to prolong their suffering? pple will argue that having an extra minute of breath will equal to another gimpse of hope. cuz who knows the next minute a new drug may hit the market and cure the illness. *sigh* really mah? i really doubt this sort of pet talks.

who can pledge that the so call new drug will have no side effects? and if the new drug is so wonderful, won't the price be that wonderful too? and will it be really so widely available? knowing the world as it is, such wonderful drugs will go 1st handed to those rich and powerful. when will it reach down to the normal civilians like u and me? err... maybe a few years or more? even if this wonderful new drug, in all its goodness - cheap and available- is made widely available to the poor. will u dare try it? hmm...

sick again?

2007-08-24T02:11:00.000+08:00

i will never eat from the stall next to the vega stall over at blk5 ever again! took its rice for breakfast, the other day and was unable to sleep (feeling unwell) but unable to reason why. then finally when i woke up, my tummy was rumbling mad i could sense something was coming up. =(

since it was my last night plus this set of night was running lean (only 5 pple) and it was too late to inform and call back pple. so i pushed myself to do it. my 1st time having such terrible spasmtic pain + BO++! aiyo... lucky my jrs are great! thank u sia.

anyway, i am feeling much better now. =)

had been wondering if i should blog this up. but err... ok... although i was feeling unwell, i sense God's protection and watching over me. on a few occassions, yesterday, i sensed somebody standing there watching me work, it was not an eerily feeling but that of comfort and protection. and there were also a few somebodies at various part of the rooms i was in charge standing and guarding the rooms. =) i trust them to be God's angels watching over me and the rooms. cuz i had 2 empty beds waiting to be filled in but with my condition, even if it was only a mild case of admission, i will sure break down into tears! my God is so good! =) thank you Jesus!

1 more....

2007-08-21T09:35:00.000+08:00

1 more person placed on my "i don't think i like you list" no matter how much i know why she acts the way she does, i can't bring myself to like her. aiyoo.... yoo... but i take pleasure in knowing i am not the only one that dislike working with her. but i had extended my working WITH her; to passing report to her and also taking report from her.

as i always told ah bee. I AM A VERY REAL PERSON! if i like you, i will really like you. but often my expression of 'liking' that person might come across as being rather fake. haha... i wonder why. but if i dislike a person, i find it really tough to still smile and act all friendly with him/her. so when that happens i am called very "attitude". its not even "got character" but its "attitude" =( whatever lor. i heck-care. as long as i can face it up to my conscious and never do harm to the other person, i am fine. my famous tagline- i may not like you but that doesn't mean i hate you. i may not dislike you but that also does not mean the i like you. wow... chiam right?

为什么生气neh?

2007-08-20T12:11:00.000+08:00

whenever someone is on mc, we must display our best @ teamwork. but its easier said than done. Ys got mc, E got to do over front rm i/c and S got called back. last word S gave C was "i hate u" did she really meant it?! hmm... duno leh....

funny enough, they made the new girls be jr without anyone to guide them!? i am forever grateful i pass out in rm25, there was always the rm26 girls to 'copy' (monkey see monkey do). cuz i learnt my observation. so if i see what they do, i roughly know what is expected of me. anyway... back to the topic.

i can understand the uneasiness and 'anger'; came to work expecting to do something but turned out to be doing another thing. although its about the same stuff, it had already thrown u out of motion. the fear of nursing unknown pt, somemore guest appearance for 1 day only- can be rather scary. not knowing what's the pt's tempers are like, their likings (coffee only/ meds before food), what's their relatives are like (demanding/ snooty) or even what's the management of those pts are like. taking report can only tell us so much but to know everything is TOUGH! hahaa... as long as jiejies don't come and ask "so what's the discharge plan? what is the main c/o pt?" i think surviving by 1 shift shouldn't be too tough.

but the real qn i can think of is why so angry? and who should we direct the anger to? at the night girls for re-routing the assignment, or call u back? angry at the one taking mc? angry at the sisters for trimming the staff assignment so fine? angry that u r the last of the candidate (cuz everyone has no more choice leh?)? err... i can't find the right answer. cuz it seems nobody should bear all the responsibility. since it didn't happen on me, i can't comment much but at the end of the day i know E is back to her smiley face, S...err... hahaha... pardon me but she where got smiley face during work ever?! so i bet she is back to her grouchy look but that's her norm lor. =P K is the least affected of it all. hehee... only that all of them got to 'look' after the new girls. =)

part 2- comments on new girls
----------------------------------
i hope to be friend to all the new girls but i fear i might come off as being bossy to a few liao. =P but i am not!!! me so friendly!!! why did i say that? cuz i actually 'corrected' some of them. eg- 1 gal was seen hanging her steotescope ard her neck while changing bedsheet! LOL... kinky sia... but kena infection control missy... then that will turn nasty!! wait name kena submitted and stuff... once bitten me now damn shy!! then another gal so funny, jr to the room but she never check the jr chart. hehee... told her must check, she said she checked liao. err... me no comments lor.

honestly i hope all of them will sail past these 3-6 months smoothly. learn the ropes well and be ic with power and efficiency! i think the best person they should aim to take after is TYP, TYS, M'Diana (although i might not be beri good terms with 1 of them, work wise i admire her speed and precision) as for skills, knowledge and accurancy which is the added value for all i think Em, TSQ, VJ, S-B Ah lian, C tops my chart. =)) so much for boot-licking! LOL

part 3 - rejected specimen
--------------------------
in my excitment to send of the ABG, i happyily stick the wrong sticker on the right specimen!! DAMN!! i am so angry with myself. now TSQ will be called in for questioning with me liao... cuz she never check check the sticker. darn... just when i closed case for my rejected specimens 'counselling' i kena another shitty stupid mistake! argh... want to poke myself to death with the needles!! argh!!! SHIT!

funnies

2007-08-20T11:56:00.000+08:00

after nite as usual we spent some time crapping on rubbish. met a ex-Ho now MO friend Lim. somehow we went into the topic of looking for a Dr bf for Jos! LOL...

then Lim started saying so-n-so is single and attractive while so-n-so is good for marriage cuz good pay blah blah blah... Jos was being slammed with unwanted information left, right, center! hahaha... her face was red+++ in conclusion, if Jos wants a rich and cool man- she needs to look for a senior reg/ jr reg. preferably GS-Ortho. lol... cuz GS team earns more and Ortho ops are more predictable so working hours more stable. =P hehee... even though Jos said "no! no! no!" the search for Jos's bf is on! applicates can registrate directly to the ward even sunday to wed's nights! LOL....

mental note - must stop crapping so much and talk more sensible and useful topics.

talking abt useful topics, Lim shared with us the 'should-be' treatment for TGT. hehee... i am so glad my own thoughts were roughly the same. although Lim's reasoning was very detailed and more medically sound. hopefully TGT will suffer min. before leaving to wherever...

affected? nah... (long entry)

2007-08-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

the party happened. i spend doubled the amount planned for. but honestly, i have no problem with it. i love party. i to host people at my place for gathering and seeing people have fun, enjoying themselves, thrills me. makes me happy too.

money? hmm... honestly if i had went out dinning maybe i would had spend that amount or more? so i have no heart pain in that area.

my heart was a little dented yesterday evening....

background- someone was leaving the workplace (internal transfer to another ward). another person wanted to do a farewell but without spending the ward fund. at the same time there was a 'party' that was long dued. the long dued party was suppose to be thrown by those who had been confirmed and promoted to SN1. so the 'another person' just pointed arrow to me and wants me to arrange for the party so we can do the farewell together. day and night i was being asked "when will the party be?"

so i called a malay staff to help me cook (to make it hala) then i sms those recently promoted SN1 to inform them about the party and asking them to contribute $$. only the chinese replied. (MIND U! I DON'T HAVE ANY ISSUE WITH NON-CHINESE!) so i went ahead thinking that i will collect the $$ from the non-chinese after the event. after all silent is normally considered as consent.

night before the party. i call the malay staff to reconfirm if she is ok with the cooking and what can i expect from her? then she told me some shocking news! the non-chinese had told her not to cook! they told her that they don't want to contribute to the party thus telling her not to cook/ let the party happens! i was really pissed! come a point i even told the malay staff, forget abt cooking. just go and enjoy ur off day. i will handle the party myself. but the malay staff in all her kindness said 'never mind lar. i can help u cook.' i was very thankful. honestly if it was not for those muslim staff, i really can handle with hala requirements! but i think i need to be fair with the rest - eating right?

so the food part was settled. but still i was so disappointed with those that had 'acted' behind my back. shouldn't they come forward and tell me themselves if they don't want the party?! or can't contribute?! rather they are under cutting me and showing no respect!! i am not demanding them all bow to me and worship me but at least sms me their reply lar. think i am so free to call them 1 by 1 meh?

so i sms all those non-chinese stating that "i am disappointed with them and that i would really appreciate them telling me if they are not for the party rather than going ahead and tell my 'supplier' not to supply to me (cook food)!" in terms of relationship or even by the book, such actions are really not tolerable!! honestly such action are really no, no!! i could bring it to higher heights but i am just too tired to argue. so i prayed for God to avenge my grief.

after that sms to the non-chinese. a couple replied. Ai said she is not against the party but she can't contribute cuz her is $$ tight. Fiz said she is ok, she don't mind chipping in. M replied this "1stly pls get it rite we den ask her nt 2 cook...she told me she's nt free 2 cook n if like tat, nt 2 force herself.. i couldn't contribute cuz gt sum prob 2 settle. dun worry i wun eat de food cm cuz i dun pay for it.. niwae congrates on ur sn1"

perhaps, i really have some 'xin bing' with M so i might be reading it the wrong way. but this is how i felt:
1- M is telling me, its my fault for troubling S for cooking for me
2- she thinking that just b'cuz i am promoted to sn1, i must shout and tell everyone abt it with a party

anyway, i am hearing different stories from different pple. i am telling this story with a netural feeling. i am not bothered by who is 'against' or 'for' me. i am telling this story cuz lots of people are puzzled regarding certain things. *force smile*

lesson deprived from this?! there are some people who are just meant to be acquaintance while some others as friends. i am just very glad for those that i call friends (hahaha... although i secretly thinks i am just their acquaintance) =) ending the day with a chit chat with my idol who once again preach abt the fun and goodness of wind surfing. =) i love B...C, Sue and all those reading this. =)

so tired

2007-08-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

i am very very angry and upset at a few people. yet i am so tired. so tired that i don't want to pick up a fight and iron things out and air it in public. so tired that i can only sigh and let it be. NO NO! it's not my hubby. its some immature girls from work.

sigh...

on the plus side....maybe i am getting more mature and wise!?
ecclesiastes 6:11 the more words you speak, the less they mean. so why overdo it?

大风吹

2007-08-03T16:29:00.000+08:00

after a crazy whirlwind sort of romance with korean-food, drama, language,etc. the direction of the wind had swept me back to my chin-na roots! haha...

most of u know i had just completed tat jimmy lin's drama - 放羊的星星 (my lucky star) and is currently still steady following ranie's 换换爱 (why why love).

hahaha... adding more to the list is.... 梁祝!! (so glad i got the dvd!!) such a classic! starring 董洁、何润东. i think i am a sucker for pretty faces! LOL.

The Butterfly Lovers 2007 (Opening)

2007《梁祝》MV《双飞》

oh u know the gossip!? it seems like peter ho is dating jang nara! and she had brought him back to meet the parents somemore! hahaha... no sure if its true or not though.

eating disorder

2007-08-01T21:42:00.000+08:00

just recently i blog-hopped onto a terminal staged anoreixa pt's blog (see previous entry). she is terminal cuz she had been anoreixa for 23 yrs-from 11yrs old! gosh! 11 yrs old!?! she is terminal cuz her GI system had failed, totally not working. it can't digest, can't absorb, can't move at all. her heart is of problem too. she is on TPN via PICC and stuff. her journey since the 'branding' of terminal since 2006 is all blogged on line-struggles she had, emotions she felt and all the rest

http://kellycountry2002.homestead.com/front.html.

before i can finish reading her blog, we admitted an anorexia pt. just when i thot fen and fang were bad enough. i realised i had not seen the worst! *tear* i am sad for the pt, her family (regardless how problematic it can be) and angry at the same time. xiao mei mei is only 16, she knows what is going on and smart enough to know that what the drips are for. but she doesn't see the harm she is getting into. her voice is so kido, her eyes are so pretty but... she pull out the plug and when i resited the pliug she plead with me not to up the drip. i asked her why, she can't answer just said she don't feel like it, she don't want. she was pleaing and crying. i felt my heart ached so much that i wanted to slap her and tell her why must she harm herself that way?! but i have no right to do that, even if i could she is such a darling that i can't bring myself to do it.

missing 1 yr of period(menses) and skinny to the bone-no fat, ok lar. but no muscle too! *sigh* she is so weak. her pulse is faint and thready, worst than our ex-DIL pts. so as i continue to 'research' more on the eat-disorder stuff online. i realised that these are 'norm' for such pt. was i jinx-ing myself with such pt cuz of what i mentioned in the previous blog?! *sigh*

i can imagine the following treatment for this xiao mei mei. continue iv drip, limbs restrained, eventually ngt on force feed til better and then transfer to the respective discipline. i too can imagine her crying and pleaing for the staff to let her of the hooks from the drip and tube feeding.

why?! why?! why do they harm themselves?! how makes them do such things? what's the trigger!? oh God....

Never Alone- Jim Brickman

2007-07-30T16:35:00.000+08:00

i love this song- never alone. =) just visited a website (homepage) of a lady who is suffering from eating disorder. she is now terminal due to long standing eating disorder. the page is about her battle with her terminal stage. its 1 thing to nurse such patient yet another to be a friend of such person. i don't think i can take those emotional stress. its too heavy, i wish Nanny well and hope she will give rest in all she does. may she touch many lives too.

http://www.myspace.com/106614161

affected...yet again (warning-long entry)

2007-07-30T15:33:00.000+08:00

a few months ago, i was still saying to keep my distance from those patients and relatives so that i won't be hurt by those 'double-headed' shits. they who smile and praise u only to turn their back and complaint to the boss about u. that was a difficult time for me, cuz i trusted in humanity and people's goodness and kindness. but after crying out to God of my 'suffering' and those distraction, He had heard my prayers. i regained my passion for people and i felt my love double and joy tripled for the patients and sometime family. still there are trying times but generally beyond my grumbles, i love where i am and the destiny i am walking in... cuz His yoke is light and easy to bear. =)

so if i am happy, why am i affected... yet again?! how can we love if we don't connect? recently after being posted back to my previous team for a few days here and there, i grew attached to a few grannies (ah ma). not that i found them cute or funny but simply just love-able. mind you! they can be really naughty! pulling out plugs, tubes and climbing out of beds! but after talking to them and having them responded to me makes me happy. they are not so 'crazy' afterall! they understand and listen to logic. the reason for their 'naughty' behaviour was either pain, anixety or err... boredom?!

1 of the granny, Ng, passed away this break of dawn, while i was on shift. normally i don't do packing but why this case happened during mine? i have no idea but i guess it was her final goodbye and thank u to me?

ah ma;
she was 'branded' to be on the path of passing off, it was a matter of time-medically. it was what the dr and nurses felt. she tricked death a few times by having really low blood pressure or suddenly desaturate in her oxygen level. but she always pull thru. although she can look weak and fragile, her pulse was often strong and steady. =( while she was still in the 'awake' mode- able to understand us and talk, days/ weeks before, i fed her dinner. after dinner, she said "is this the best meal ever for these days. i will have no regret dying now" my reply to her "no lar. rubbish, u won't die so fast one lar"

she seems well except for her on-off drowsiness and restlessness. because she complaint of very very bad pain she was started on some strong painkillers and sedation to lessen the pain. but as the pain lessen, she slept more til it was to the point that we can only ensure she is alive by seeing that pulsating IJ vein. i felt sad for her. her condition was bad that she had stopped eating and drinking completely for at least 3 days cuz she was always sleeping. she doesn't respond to calls or touch. but i choose to believe that she hears and wants to respond.

my 1st night, she was due for a s/c plug change but she was so skinny that there were no fats on her to set the s/c plug into. being full of fats i can't imagine it. then when i was doing the changing (alone), i was talking to her. telling her its me and what i need her to do (e.g. lift her her hips, turn, etc) she was moaning. i don't think it was pain but rather she was wanting to talk to me? i softly told her "ah ma, its ok now. i don't know if u know God/ Jesus but i know He is watching over u. ah ma, with all this tubes going into u, u won't feel the pain anymore. just let go when u feel u r ready ok?" i know its not right to talk to my patients openly about Jesus as if conventing them but i was not. nobody will refuse a blessing/ prayer lor. back home, i spoke to Andera (whom i had covered her MC night) abt ah ma. we agree she should just go. after that i prayed a short prayer for ah ma.

i was 1/2 hoping ah ma would pass away during AM/ PM shift so that i won't have to pack. but part of me was hoping she will still be there. 2nd night came, she was still there. before work starts, i made a round familiarising myself with my patients. and stopped by ah ma telling her i am on duty already. some relatives from the opp. bed commented that we nurses are so noble. not afraid of dying pt when even the pt's son was afraid to stand too close to his own mother. i smiled and chatted abit. during the report passing, heard from the previous shift that pt wasn't doing well and some stuff were done for her. i got a feeling that ah ma was waiting to bid her final farewell to me and i told my jr to do her stuff fast fast tonight cuz we will be busy.

although reminding my jr to finish her stuff fast, i took my time to write my report. if i had been more prudent with time, i might had finish reports and stuff by 3am! but i didn't. =( but hor... i think i got a style to maintain mah! LOL.

3am, while my jr was doing parameter for ah ma (taking her pulse and SPO2), the machine shown a flat line. my jr said "esther". and i jokely said "i don't like the way u call me" and my jr continued "push out the trolley now". i was blurred for a while. trolley? what trolley? cuz i was at the injection trolley, i thot; injection trolley?! for what? then it hit me. i ran to the prep room, push out the trolley and ta-da..it was confirmed already.

while going abt with other work, i said to my jr "why ah ma didn't bid me byebye then leave?" maybe i felt it should be me to discover her asystole. but not long after i said that a small still voice told me that "ah ma did say byebye. she wait for me, didn't she?" i am sure she had given me her blessing and to cyn. too. cuz before cyn left she even came over to see ah ma.

i am affected cuz i will miss ah ma. i am affected cuz i felt the family was so well prepared that they were just waiting for her to go. no crying, no hugging not even touching. they simply did the necessary and left a scripture chant tape by her side to 'rest' her soul. compared to that tape, i am glad not only did we, the nurses and staff, gave 'rest' to her (treating her pain & stuff), we had also touched her soul by our tender care and constant concern.

may all those lovable ah ma be happy always and to those gauche ah ma- aiyooo...wake up ur idea! how many more years do u think u have left? stop being a pain and start living with openness and joy! *sigh*

God is an answering God!

2007-07-28T12:45:00.000+08:00

my God is an answering God! although He may not call me on the phone or sms the answers i so wish to hear nor will be email it to me, He never fails to show up in His wonderful timing!

just like the time when i grumble why no cabs leh after waiting for minutes! He gave me a mercs cab! hahaha... and when i so so sad by tiny things and disappointed by people and myself, He encouraged me by being still and allowing me to pour out my feelings before showing my the light at the end of the tunnel. i simply love it when my Daddy in Heaven take it slow rather than fussing over me and rushing to advise me on the 'should do's". i am thanksful so ever am! but being 100% human, i would like my answer FAST and CONFIRM-GUARANTY CHOPPED! sound funny but trust me, it can be really frustrating waiting for an answer sometime!

those time of waiting makes me jumpy and frustrated. often when the wait was too long to bear i would make my own decision and move by my logical thinking. but God's ways are not mine! =( so i had often been fallen from grace, hurting myself and others in the result of not waiting long enough. after being hurt times and again, u would think i would had learnt the lesson well but ... no really lor. =(

recently church released a list of mission impart trip dates to various countries. out of the many Taiwan caught my eyes! reason can be of the following:
1- i prefer to speak in mandarin, more confortable, although i can't read and write well!
2- haha... i love watching taiwan drama! haha... esp. love SHE, rannie and many others!
3- it will surely be easier to find our way ard as compared to India right?!

so after a brief discussion with a few good people, we said to try to get leave for either one of those slot for Oct or Nov. i tried to....

i went to check with my nursing manager if i can change my leave to suit either 1 of those dates. but the best/ nearest i can get was only 1 week slot of leave from 14 to 21 Oct. but the trip is fixed from 11 to 21 Oct! *sob* so close but still so far.

so i prayed for God to arrange my shift to be in such a way that i may be on night shift days before and on sleeping day on 11 and days off on 12 and 13. in that way i may be 'free' from 11-21 Oct! i went to ask my nursing manager if that is possible she said no promise. =(

without a confirmation i dare not even go to the church counter to ask for more information! but i was so so sad. cuz it is the 1st time since my church started these mission impact trips that i am really really interested in getting involve. (sad to the power of n!)

after a week or so, my nursing manager came out with a new schedule- perm. night!
that means the staff on that perm night will be doing night shift; for every sun to wed then off til the next week and start the entire cycle again. this rooster will be on for 3 months! and i had previously volunteer to be on perm night!!! so when i was confirmed by my nursing manager to be on the perm night, i immediately took out my calander and alas!!! it was as i had hoped!!

i will be on 'off' from 11 to 21 oct!!!! YIPEEE!!!! God is an answering God isn't He?! although there are lots of other concerns being on perm. night but at least there is this one great thing out of it!

God give me strength and joy in all that i do, please! Thank You, God! =)

count ur blessing one by one

2007-07-17T02:33:00.000+08:00

after a long day of work with some =( =( thrown in, i am just so thankful to see a taxi pulled in - dropping a passager just as i stepped out of the lift! =)

thank God!

getting adjusted to....

2007-07-07T11:19:00.000+08:00

i had been grumbling for a long time, recently. its a transiting time for me from the front to the back. after abt 2 months ++ in this room, i am now more comfortable with the room and the patients. i am glad i am getting use to things here. although there are complaints and embrassing tales from our team/ room due to some people's actions; i dare say i had not bring much shame upon my 'mother' team which i was taught in. hehee... a sense of belong is slowly but surely building up in me towards my room/ team. there are things i wish to see changes too and there are areas/ people that i want to applause to. but i am getting a little too tired to do so....

just before i leave...let me comment how great firah is. i like her. =) strangly so cuz i thot i might not like her cuz she and other person whom i don't really like are best of friends! hmm... @_@?? she is very nice, helpful and natural person. =) fast worker and detailed too. =) nice girl to work with. =))

SSN_T

2007-07-02T20:11:00.000+08:00

T had just got promoted to SSN. while lots of pple aren't very approving of her way or style. i am in fact not too bad with her. today she is my jr. she is so funny!! instead of always getting me to help her always, she actually push me to do my changes instead and did the basic care with HCA alone!! wow!! haha... she must be in happy mood!! and happy mood she was in! =)

T tendered her letter of byebye today. happy for her. haha... u won't believe it!! i was the one that 'chase' her away! haha... no lar... its just that i was the one that had been helping her from the day one from typing the resume to sending it and today editing her byebye letter. haha... so i was joking with her... "hey! i had successfully send u off liao!" haha...

i think i have recovered from the byebye sadness phase. cuz when i see her tender and all, i was not feeling anything at all. haha... NUMB LIAO!! haha... anyway, i think she is quite good as a friend and a person lar. may be her 8 characters (in chinese please) is not very matching with majority of the ward staff.

hope she will be happy where she will be. and since she has no access to this blog entry, she will not be able to see this. hheeheee... i am not sure if anyone would want to bid her byebye but i will be doing so. want to join me?

M is waiting for the confirmation if she will be indeed be transfered to clinic. the date given to her was Oct. lets just see blah. i suppose by then i will be so NUMB that i will just say "oh, right? okay, see u ard M. byebye"

we got a new SSN deployed from 54 to our side. wow... so many SSN!! want to 'crush' us toddlers to death meh?! hahaha... if lizhen and yanxing are babies, my batch will be toddlers liao! haha...

reflection

2007-06-29T03:48:00.000+08:00

was reading my own recent entries (i am my own very loyal and sincere reader! LOL), i must be depress. so for that i will pamper myself and check myself into IMH-sayang for the next week or so. if u r my collegue reading this please kindly inform our boss that i will be on hospitalisation leave for cm onwards til infinity! haha...

ok, i am joking. i think i am getting better already. but shit! i remembered my psyco lecturer saying people who wants to kill themselves may act like as if they are getting better and coming out of the 'problem' only to die the next day. wow... i was a good student listening to my lecturers sia... haha...

i don't think i will stay here sulking forever. hopefully i will be back blogging about my faith, joy and love for people and for God soon... pray for me!

spill the beans

2007-06-29T02:04:00.000+08:00

the more i try to blog it right the more i get choked. thus i will tell all and release it out into the vast space of faceless pple.

no.1
-----
i hate the stupidity of audits! don't the auditors understand it too that all those things that they see are all an act that people are putting up to win their credits? (afterall the world is a stage and we are the actors playing different roles? - some social theory)

in order to do well in the audit we are being fed with informations so overloading. we are told to comply to the standards for the days of the audits while for the past months i was never brief that we MUST do it these ways and that. and i must say that some of those standards are stupid and non-practical. who are those that came up with the standards? had they tried it out in the ground setting? seriously singapore should wake up their idea of chasing after those "latest fashion". we had been awarded for this standard and that since year so and so. no doubt standards are great and marks your company somewhere on the already so crowded globle scene. but had those standards been interalised by the entire organisation? STOP LYING TO URSELF!

for the sake of the audit we had to do those last minute internal audits, come early to do the basic care, change the schedule of things and etc. even those that are really important to us (the customers) can feel the different. how am i to answer then the customers ask "why is the timing for XXXX different for today?" should i answer "cuz we are having the audit so in order not to be caught in the action and be asked 101 questions we need to do it eariler/ later"

being in the SHE and product stewardship team long ago. i know how the wayang is like. how anal those auditors are. on the day of auditing, all REAL work cease. the business will go on but those that may pose a question to the policy will be hidden somewhere, somehow. staff are stationed to answer standard questions with the standard answers. on that day of auditing the company will act like they support the drive 101% but on the usual days they will fight the team on those 'weird' and 'inconvience' ideas that need to be implemented in order to comply to the standards. auditors instead of helping to understand the situation and help suggest areas of improvement seemingly are only targeted to score or to minus points.

although i am not against standards and policies, i am certainly disgusted by the way people twist and turn to 'comply' to it. standards and policies should be educated to everyone in the company until its ingrained into every single member of the 'family'. not last minute then try to cover the gaps and fix the hole.

no. 2
------
within the 1 month of transfer to another team, i had gained myself 3 reflections and 1 conselling! i am so depressed. i am very upset with my performace and i hate it, hate it, hate it.

as a mature person, i ought to accept the responsibility and deal with it objectively to improve myself. but i realise if i do just that i will be saying "ok, i had noted my mistake. yes, i will try to be better and be more careful in the futher" but because i really see my mistake and personalise the responsibility of wanting not just be a staff but a good performing one, i felt terrible. i wanted to cry during my conselling but i fought the tears back. why cry?! its stupid to do that and certainly not professional.

its easy to say its the air, the weather, the stress, the timing or all any other shit that had cause me to make the mistake. its the easy way out, shifting the blame and get on with life. but i don't want to be that sort of person. i want to live life true to myself and others. but my pride often get in the way in admitting i am wrong and needs to change. *sigh* its always that issue with pride....

no.3
-----
the managers asked me "is there something bothering you?" i said yes. now now...without any reserve i am going to tell all of u that read my blog what i feel and what i said; although i know i may be hitting some sensitive areas. please understand whatever my views are, its just the way i am feeling and u may not like the way i had expressed it. perfectly fine with me. i don't really live to please u. (at least this will be the atittude i will be holding on to until i leave this place)

my conversation with the managers. (although its not everything, these are the bits and pieces i can remember):
me: i am very stress in the team. i think the team is very weak
m: why do you think it is weak? who are in the team? *look thru the list*
me: (rattle off the names i know that are in the team)
m: ok lar, a few of them are weak but there are seniors like K, S and T is coming over to the back too
me: yah. but i don't work with K and some senior don't really produce work like senior does
m: *quiet*
s: yah but the other time u were saying the front room is very heavy and you don't think u can care for 20 pts. so we shift u to the back where u will care for 1 rm. but u know right? every 6 months or so we will move the staff around to different room so everyone will get to know each other better.
me: yes. i did say that the front room is very heavy but no matter how heavy the work was i was very happy working there. even if i am showering pt til 12 noon. i am happy cuz the pple there makes working a joy. now in the back, even if i finish my work by 10am, i am still unhappy. cuz the pple i work with always give the face that i am owning them stuff.
m: who is it that u said shows the face like u r owning them stuff and how?
me: the atittude and way she talks while handing over report or taking report or working together. its S.
m: (to s) see.
me: its really very stressful. to work with J and Mly too. they are not very steady, working with them makes me jittery too.
(and the talk went on and on)
m: so u tell me what we can do to help you?
s: see, i can see you problem. but by pulling you out of the team will not be helping you. (she continued...i was spacing out liao)
me: no lar. no need for it. i think its just a transition time for me, getting use to the team, pple and the culture there.
m: ok lar. then we will talk again in 1 month time.

my views (now): my new team SUCKS!
#1:
support/ standards.my seniors in the team aren't great standard to follow, at least i don't look up to them. teamwork? hmm... hardly. perhaps in the past the girls in front will always pop in and look 'check' on my work reminding me stuff so i won't miss anything. so i am so use to the helpful seniors. here the culture is "care for urself. ask if u need to. otherwise don't expect me to KPO KPO check ur work" thus leaving lots lots of areas of mistake and loop-holes.
#2:
teamwork. front room girls will often wait til everything is settled or at least more or less settled before leaving. being there means a lot to me. even if u r just standing here helping with the little things lets me feel and know that u care. even when i meant it saying "u go back 1st bah" my heart is warmed enough to stay til 2am if i have to. now? "aiyo its 9.45 already. i am leaving 1st" or even before that they are already sitting at the clerk's counter waiting for the 100M dash to the door! *sigh*...
#3:
people. its the personalities. very personal, no doubt. everyone is differently made so there is no perfect person that will have the perfect chemistry with everyone. i understand but i still want to comment.
S-face black like nobody business. everytime being near, with or even withine 5m of her radius. i feel jittery, like she will spontanously combust or something anytime! my comment to her "if u r so unhappy, leave lar. why work til so unhappy? its not satifying for you neither it is a pleasure for us to be with you" somebody told me that its the stress that was getting into S that makes her that way, otherwise she is a nice person. err... i don't think i had ever find her nice enough for my 'not too bad' list. she is only in my 'ok-lor' list.
J-ultra nice, super sweet. but low in confidence, gets distracted and confused easily. i think she will improve in time. but for now, working with her is very stress cuz i am used to working with people that deal and solve problems intelligently on their own. and yes... i don't really like to listen to your problem if you aren't really interested in solving it. "have a problem? think what is the best way to solve it, cover ur ass and move on, babe."
Mly-need i say more? she lives in milkyway! why milkyway?! cuz males are from mars, females from venus, kidos from pluto. milkyway r for those lost in the space, scattered all over but surely they are always physically there! can't miss them sort. she nurse paper and even then its terrible. 1x a porter (MIND U! PORTER LEH) asked me "that girl is new huh? why she transfer pt like that one?" then on numerous time pts make comments on that missy that does things like this and that. *shake head* my service recovery skill might just improve working in this room!
overall- i don't like it went they comment on why some pple r so F.O.S/R. i can understand it if such comments are once or twice but if it comes on so often.... *sigh* i got nothing much to comment lor. as much as we want to get done with our work, those lying on the metal planks are humans! there are those that are truely not deserving the pity cuz they don't even actively care for themselves and are only here for attention. but there are those that really need help. if all our pt r good and well, not needing anything... there must be some problem in the system!

wrapping this entry up... my short term plan is: should i flow with the culture and get into the circle? or just shut up do my work, watch my ass? hmmm.... i think i will go for the later. i am predicting that i will be jaded by the end of 3 years. i will work like a robot and watch the clock. *ding-dong* "9.45pm already, byebye. huh? u need help huh? aiyo... ok lar. i help lor.... can go now? can go now? can go now?"
my mid term plan is: move out of this place and explore other disciplines. learn new things from other wards. i am predicting i might never have very many friends in this line. =( if u r a missy and reading this, welcome... u r in my very limited pool of friends. =)
my long term plan: explore the other hospitals and learn the best practises. bring it with me as an experience and assest to wherever i will be in the future.

i am choking

2007-06-29T01:03:00.000+08:00

i won't cry and i will not! even when i am choked by my emotions, the disappointment in myself and the weakness in me. i won't cry! although crying is not a sign of weakness, i am so angry, so choked that i promise myself not to cry.

i need God more than ever. perhaps that will be the only way, i can release the 'pain' and 'stress' i am feeling now. i am so tired, emotionally and physically. i don't know if i can hold on for another 2 more years until the end of my bond.

i wonder am i simply looking for excuses for the weakness in me and the incompetence in me. sigh... i am so tired that i can't find the words to express myself.

for the 1st time in my current path, i am stress to the point that i can't sleep. i am so tired, wanting to sleep but my nerves are still so active- shooting impluses all over my body. its making me unable to calm down and sit still. the quietness of the night makes it easier for me to breathe. the stillness of the air relaxes me. i think i am getting some sort of mental illness. =(

why am i stress?
-------------------
mistake after mistakes, i can't believe i am so stupid, so unlucky and so terrible. i had failed to meet my expectation for myself perhaps that is the worst sort of failure.

i am stress by my new environment and the people that i going to be with for a long time. although pple will tell me if i keep those thoughts of mine up, i will never get rid of it. and i will never improve... still i am holding it up just like a child refusing to get rid of her rugged old doll in exchange of a brand new one.

i am angry by those that express their concerns only to sake of it. coxingly they asked "what's bothering you? is there something you think we can help?" after telling them my concerns and those bothering me, the answer was "we understand your concerns and we will try our best to intervene into the situation BUT you got to understand that ..." i wants to scream out "IF THE REASON FOR YOU ASKING ME IS JUST TO KPO THE PROBLEM AND MY THOUGHTS, GO AND DIE!" afterall the solution to the problem was as simply as "SOLVE IT URSELF! WE MAY BE MANAGERS BUT IF UR OWN PROBLEM SO DEAL WITH IT!" which bring me to another level of anger... why do the managers and lecturers of the school pass students for the sake of passing them?! don't they understand that they are not simply lying to themselves, to the student and killing millions down the road?!?! killing the pple that will eventually be working with the 'just pass her lar but no need to be very high grade' person and killing the organisational imagine (the list can goes a mile long!).

i am lost, i can't think straight now. i shall end here.

growing pains

2007-06-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

insecurity. i remember having it all through my life. constantly being compare against standards and people. read my younger sister's blog just now and felt the pain she had/ having. suddenly the pain of my growing up years seems to creep back into me. my younger sister slashed herself while i pulled my hair. but thank God for His support and Him loving me, drawing me to Him even before i know Him and love Him.

even wonder why my hair is so thin? cause i used to pull my hair! LOL... now thinking of it makes me want to laugh. had i grew mature enough to face my past, my pain with a laugh? i think so. but why does thinking of it makes me sad and want to cry? maybe cuz i think that 'me' was so pity-ful; making me want to love 'her' and comfort 'her'.

always seeking for approval, always wanting for acknowledgement and praises. that was me. traces of such traits are still in me. perhaps that is why i can still be affected by remarks others make.

i remembered calling for my 'nature parent' who was out there somewhere and sensing 'him/her' watching over me, loving me. i always know i have someone outside my family that owns me, love me and watching over me. that must be what is means in

~~Psalm 139:13-15 (New International Version)~~
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

i must shake off the insecurity. even when other seemingly are better than me, stronger than me. even when other seems to be leaving me. even when i am emotional. MUST BE OBJECTIVE! MUST BE LEAD BY THE PROMISE OF GOD!

that was fun!

2007-06-23T02:46:00.000+08:00

the ward outing is time is by far the most fun and enjoyable one! i get to meet dear friends! some lost weight, some gained. but all were still the joyful ones! so happy to talk with them all. getting to know how they are and what they are busy with. (writing memos?!)

we went to KTV after the dinner and were all joking on the topic of queuing at the atm @ 11.30pm to cash out our pay! LOL... we sang til 0020hr! sing until tone death liao! LOL...

will we turn out to be mute tomor at work?! or should i say later today at work?! heehee... if really so....then we will pass report using hand language!! =P

was also talking on the topic of advance dip. degree 1st or advance dip 1st? which speciality to take up? and then we dift off talking abt to be bond or not to be bond, and how to get the amount of money.

i love hanging out with the ladies! they are the 'healing balm' to my tired soul. =) thank you pretties for making my day! =))

rumbles

2007-06-22T17:02:00.000+08:00

今天...错误...必须...非常小心...没人能信任
人为自己...正确错误? 他家事... 保护自己...必须要

just some random thoughts. i am fine. pms-ing i guess. not going into depression lar! hahaa... if i am, will be the 1st to admit myself into IMH! haha...

night shift

2007-06-21T21:25:00.000+08:00

should had blog abt it earlier but was so tired and drained to do so earlier. now, what should i blog abt?

A) the last night's misadvantage and sorrow?
B) the kindness of my jr. C_dy
C) the uneventful soya milk-fried dough b'fast?
D) the talk with da-jie?

hm... maybe none of the above ba. cuz i had exhasted the topic with my dear frd. =) talking/ blogging helps me to get it out of my system. once out, i don't like to repeat it. =) rn't u glad that my life is this simple?

words that heals, words that hurts

2007-06-21T20:05:00.000+08:00

had a long rest. maybe it was too long, my mind started to wonder about and start giving me weird weird dreams! had 1 regarding my ex-secondary friends. had 1 regarding a family member's funneral. woke up feeling a little unsettled so gave a call to my family members and then visited them.

because the fact of death seems to real in my dream. i was getting worried. what if i didn't manage to bring her to Christ before her leaving us? so when i mentioned why doesn't she come to believe in Christ now? she chilled me. the issue of 'giving money to God' is always her sore point. honestly i don't see what's wrong with the way i handle my money? why is she so sore over it? not as if i don't contribute to her! *heartache*

then someone mentioned to go for lunch at this 'cheap' place. and so we were joking that who is going to give the treat. i jokely said mummy is going to treat me. she replied back saying "why don't u just go to the place and pray for your God to pay? i treated u to a vegetable roll liao". i was really upset with the way she reacts everytime when its about money. so i replied, "why can't u treat me? every month i give u X amount all i get is a vegetable roll?! while someone else gives u X+ amount gets to get eat dinner at ur place everyday, even to the point of home delievery!" and her reply to me was "well, she contributes buys those meats/ vegetables here" gosh!! my heart was aching and breaking at that point.

if anything i learnt living under the shadow of a clever sibling was to keep quiet and accept the fact that i will never be seen as good enough in their eyes. at least i was able to be good enough before my HEAVENLY FATHER, as least i can be myself and still be loved. i don't have to work for love nor do this/ that in order to be approved. (that's why i dislike those who love to form me into what they want to see. in the end i am often labelled as 'rebel' or 'attitude')

anyway so i kept quiet. and it ended there. however my heart did not resolve the problem there and then. i heard myself saying "what's the point of feeling for her? so what if she does not believe and end in hell? what's the way she is and that's what she deserve." i remembered a patient's life story of how her daughter hated her cause she never approve her daughter marriage. the daughter went as far as to throw her out of the house and severed their relationship even when the msw tried to contact her. was it the sort of feeling she had felt when her own mother rejected her (decision)?

i was looking for justification to be angry, to be upset, etc. but i was reminded of the greatest love. HE who had loved me despite my rejection, my knowingly rebellious way and my stubborness. so i took a deep breath and told myself "mummy i still love u"

not ready yet!

2007-06-18T12:11:00.000+08:00

its my 1st night as an ic in the back room. apart from having to get use to the routine and the different 'expectation' i am super frustrated with the back room girls' work!!!!!!! *scream*

1st they don't highlight the 'had been', 2nd they don't write the date of ref to OT/PT/MSW/dietian...etc, 3rd they don't write nursing goals and their NCR is in a mess!! JCI with this sort of standard?! sure to kena F8cK upside down!

Instead of spending time write the needful, i realised i was auditing the casenotes more then anything. and worst was the person that tend to hit these misses are the seniors! E_lyn was 1. For every 3 'please follow up' there is always at least 1 of hers! Then even the young girls are

good news

2007-06-16T01:23:00.000+08:00

another 1 of my frd is preg!! she had just gotten married 1 yr ago! wow... wow... wow...

these 2 days i had been asked "when is ur baby coming along?" *shudder* i don't know too. will tell u when it come pressing my doorbell ok? oh wait... babies are too short to press doorbells leh. no wonder i kept missing them! hahaa...

ups and downs of it

2007-06-13T17:59:00.000+08:00

today its a relatively good day. most of my pts are well and ok. only 2 trolley bath and the rest all can be commode for shower! =) iv infusion only 5! =) i am so glad! i managed to settle all those d/c issues! yippeee....

funny commerials!

2007-06-13T17:36:00.000+08:00

ROFL!!

grumble...

2007-06-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

i miss being in the old team where there are always pple to help each other. now in this place, i am on my own. if my jr. is not a sn, i have nobody to help me and i am expected to help the jr. *sniff* its the 1st time in my course of work that i am driven to the point of wanting to cry!!

why leh? cuz...

b1-broncoscopy in the early morning @ 9am - while i am still busy giving iv.
b3-needs lots of TLC and is always inquistive in what meds she is taking, why need to take blds, etc
b6-naughty girl today! scold student SIAO and then threaten to pull out NGT!
b7-problem case. Dr comes in every 1-2hrs to order new things; since 8 to 12, i hardly was able to touch the casenote to do proper changes, urgent ct lar, lung perfusion test lar, dil lar, transfer to ica lar, 24hrs urine collection lar, iv this and there, the list keeps growing!
b12-another problem case. round so late... Y bear didn't do the changes proper. and even dare ask me to give IV D50% + insulin!! *faint*

need to call msw for b2,b6,b9,b11.

iv for b1,b3,b4,b7(+++),b8,b10,b12(++)
s.c for b8,b9,b10(depends)
h.c for b7(2hrly),b8(tds+10),b9(tds+10),b10(tds+10),b12(4hrly)

need to call for appt for b4-perm cath insertion,b13(echo,holter)

need to call to arrange HD for b4,b13

but lucky some Drs are nice enough to offer to take the blood to prevent the bloods from being delayed in desp.

still i spilled work over to the pm girl to follow up (she must hate me lots lots)
b7-send to ica, send to ct brain, to call lung perfusion-nuclear meds. long story short...pm girl kena F* by the ica side.
b9-dressing not done a/w W.I.
b12-bladder washout not started, 3-way cath. not inserted (cuz no stock and ever attempt to loan- shit!! even when i tried to call to loan, the uro ward didn't have enough to spare! shit shit shit...) albumin didn't arrange + form not ready. stat dose D50% + insulin still not given!
b13-PCT didn't arrange (cuz GXM form not back yet), blood consent not up.

out of these 4 spilled over, 2 of the case belong to Y bear!! i am so hating him!! back to his country he ought to go!! ok... sorry for being racist!

i am not trying to make excuses but i think its really unfair to pull me to this team! =(

last time when i 1st came to this ward, i struggled but i was always positive abt it cuz i was the one that request for it. so no matter how tough the learning was, i took it upon myself that it was my choice as i ought to bear the fruits of it. but now... i found myself blaming this and that and everyone! *sigh* that is bad... plus the culture and practise is so different from my ex-team! make me so frustrated!! i seriously prefer the staff in my ex-team, so by the book and things are clear on who is to do what. can u imagine, the ND not topping up the sticky labels and those forms (x-rays/ bio chem/ etc)?! and then i heard its the job of the pm girls! huh?!?! wat the... i rest my case! damn it!! then just because i adhere to my ex-team culture i kena suan! F* lar!! i realised i am sterning to the "u don't like me, i don't have to like u too" behaviour again!! and this time with the entire new team!! *sigh* i am expecting a terrible time here!!! if it continue, i think i might request for a transfer out to resp-B2 or DIM-B2 liao... *sad*

my 1st time taking over from MLY

2007-06-12T01:27:00.000+08:00

today is my 1st time taking over from our infamous friend, MLY. i was thinking "it won't be too bad lar. the most is that she can't finish her report lor. just J, the most she will just have to occupy the chair for 1hr max. to write her reports." but... that was when my nightmare starts!!

1st there were 4 discharges meaning that i will be admitting 4 new patients!! gosh!!
2nd MLY had not discharged all patients by 1.45pm!!!
3rd MLY did not complete her changes!!! stuff not done and not labelled?!?!
aiyoo... those changes were not renal cases lor... its DIM!! that means it would had been ordered rather early lor...

it must be the way, she loves to engage in small talks that make things terrible and slow! after 45mins or even longer of passing reports. MLY was called off to see the Nursing Dept. so... i did all her leftover changes and when she got back at 3-4pm, i told her i had completed the changes already.... then... she go ahead and label the changes again!!! i really blown my top and told her I DID IT LIAO. haha.. then guess what she said?! she said (sternly) no! its not. where are the forms?! i told her its in the clip boards and she promptly took the wrong clip board to prove her point!! i don't know to cry or laugh sia... in the end... she left the ward @ abt 8pm!! *faint*

100% for her delication and committment to the work! as for the rest... hmm... just a thot... if the older we are the less flexible we are to changes and to absorbing of new teachings, where does it put us adult learners/ mid-career changers? sigh... i hate to hear pple comment how terrible those mid-career switch staff fare worst than the normal 3yr kids. but what to do? i must say some are really too kind and caring to be in this line. they ought to be some nuns or charity nursing home voluteers! *sigh*

I REALLY MISS MY OLD TEAM. THE RULES ARE CLEARER AND PPLE MORE UNDERSTANDING. MAYBE I AM STILL NEW TO THE NEW TEAM BUT... I WILL JUST KEEP PRAYING BA...

meanwhile.. life is still great and worth the living with my dearest...放羊的星星!! yippeee... =)

why can't we siam the han-lui?!

2007-06-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

'han lui' (韩流) in chinese is a play of word. it means the dift/ wave of korea culture (pop/ traditional).

i openly said that i am no longer interested in korean stuff. and gosh i am so...amazed by my willpower!! i had not been watching any new korean drama/ movies! wow... then i found this taiwan drama <<放羊的星星>> aka 'my lucky star'. actually i was looking for another drama <<仲夏之恋>> aka 'sweet summer' cuz its lead cast is 郑元畅-joey (the one that acted in 'The Rose' & 'It Started With A Kiss').

and i fall head over heel for it <<放羊的星星>>. haha.. cuz got jimmy-林志颖!! my era one leh... LOL... as i fell more and more in love with the plot and its casts... i realised!!! *thunder and lightening* that the female lead is a korean(刘荷娜)! *faint* that's just no way of siam-ing the korean sia... they are everywhere!!! LOL

anyway, its really enjoyable! its almost like 'sassy girl Chun Hyang' plus 'my Girl' plus a little of 'too beautiful to lie' plus the typical funny taiwaness stuff. here's a clip for u to enjoy! =)

tithing and offering

2007-06-06T16:09:00.000+08:00

a friend recently asked me the following:

I would like to ask u a question. For the Chinese,whenever we visit a temple, we will donate money so that they will maintain the place or buy more papers and joss sticks. How about the Christian? I understand that your give contribution too, but what do they do to the money?

there are 2 forms of 'contribution' that Christian give for their home church. 1 is called tithing and the other is called offering.

tithing was mentioned in the Bible and recorded in the existance of mankind as early as in Genesis, by the sons of Adam and Eve. tithing is 10% of our total income, 'returned' to the God. why do i say 'returned' leh? cuz we believe that everything that we have is a blessing from God. it is God that had given us the opportunity/blessing to be in the job and draw that sort of income (regardless of amount). so this 10% is our act of thanksgiving. my mom is always very upset abt the 10% that i 'give' to the church (but that is another story to tell). actually giving 10% back to God is very little, imagine we have the other 90% for ourselves leh! of cuz if u r earning only $100 every single $ counts. but but... its amazing how God 'top up/ return' that 10% back to our lives! it might not be monetary returns but the blessing of God never fail to turn up in our lives! God always love a cheerful giver. =)

offering is any amount, on top of our tithing. its just like an act of love for our God. hmm... like every month we will give our parents money, right? that amount of money in my view is an expression of thanking them for their effort in giving birth to me and raising me up (its up to them on how they want to use it, lah). on top of that when i would give them 'extra' for the things that they might want to buy or when we go out for makan/ movies, i will pay. that is the extra. and that is the sort of offering that i am talking about.

but what does the church do with the money? hmm... the money that was collected from the church members are normally used to pay our pastors and other church staff, to maintain the church (bills and such), help the charity arm of the church (those needy pple) and others things that i may not had mentioned here.

of cuz there are cases or possibility of people in the church mis-using the money. but honestly in my views... the money that we 'contribute' to the church is between me and God. i am clear of my conscious. but if the person dealing with the money mis-used it, that is between him/her with God. afterall such people exist everywhere, in corporations, temples, etc; right? but would such incidents make us lost faith and stop contributing? hmm... i would answer that question with another question:
"WHO DO WE PLACE OUR TRUST AND FAITH IN LEH? IN GOD OR IN THE PEOPLE?"

wow... long blog entry sia... =)

help for the after life (please tell me ur views)

2007-06-02T12:13:00.001+08:00

i believe in afterlife and everlasting life. is just a matter of where do the souls go after the stay on earth- everlastingly. my own theory is there are 4 areas. 2 final destinations are heaven and hell. the 2 in between (aka grey areas) are earth for the wondering souls and lost, outside heaven (for the saved souls but various reasons did not move on into heaven)- its rather complex so i will not attempt to explain, least i wavier others' faith.

so heaven and hell is very clear cut. "heaven is a wonderful place filled with glory and grace"...lalala... (ever heard of this song?) as for hell... its ever burning sulphur and unquenchable thirst is widely known to all. perhaps its the widely known tales and rumors of hell that made the dying so scare of dying. for it will be their final judgement and there is no bail to it. but what abt the dead? how do they move on from there? who will lead and guide them to the judgement room, to the destination and finally settle them in?

wondering souls are common known to Asian culture. these souls be it evil or kind are unrest. they are often looking for someone or something. they are forever at 'work' searching. while i pity these souls, there is nothing we can do.

the Taoist will offer prayers to cleanse those souls so that they may be accepted by the 'other' side; offering food to feed those poor hungry souls so that they will not create havoc or disturb the living; candles and joss sticks are burned to show/ lead the way to the 'right path'; hell notes for the souls to carry on the way- to buy stuff for themselves and to bribe the 'officers'.

the Buddhist will chant sutra to cleanse the souls and release them from suffering and longings of the world. by these, the souls will be accepted by the 'other' side and even if the souls entry hell their treatment will be better, less tormenting. instead of food and stuff, Buddhist doesn't burn lots of stuff for their dead relatives. they pray, do good deeds in the name of the dead and chant sutra to help their dead relatives to promote up the ladder of hell (rumored to be 18 levels!) and be reborn asap.

as for Christian, what do we really do for the dead? hmm... being the 1st generation believer, i have no idea too. all i know is that we 'celebrate' the death of a person cuz he/she is going to heaven with God. after we buried him/she, we will visit the grave whenever and bring flowers to the grave; in loving remembrance of the dead. afterall its the body that is in the grave while the soul (the essence of a human) had already ascended to heaven to be with the Lord. there isn't much to the body since the soul is no longer there, only a decomposing heap of dirt.

--------------QUESTION-----------------------
1) in the event of an unrest spirit found what do we Christian do? note that the spirit does not harm anyone (at least at the point of time). do we bind it? and then what?

2) supposedly the unrest spirit is a chinese, can Christian visit the temple can ask the people there to pray for that spirit to be rested and move on to its destination?

3) better still... is there a good Godly Biblical-based book that talks and deals with such issues?

deliberation

2007-06-02T00:29:00.000+08:00

since my coming back from HK, i had been wanting to post this but had had second thoughts. finally i had decided to post this thought of mine up.

i am hereby officially declare my 'obsession' for korean and their related OVER! blame it on those ugly koreans that i had seen during my HK trip. those koreans that i met was neither friendly nor kind. they were simply selfish (can't wait to be the first, hogging the road, etc), loud (literally shouting even when they are very close to each other, not taking into account that there are other people around!!) and rude (sorry for the lack of words. let me illustrate my comments for those korean i met by telling u an 'eventful' encounter with them.

there we were in a theme park in HK. there were lots of foreigners (like ourselves) there. while waiting to enter into one of the show's theater- something trivial things happened. the korean lady that was near us actually 'openly discussed' about us (the trivial happening) to her friends/ relatives, while standing directly before us. talking loudly in her language and looking over at us during the 'discussion'. just because we might not understand her language does not give her the right to be so rude. and what was worst was that i could understand bits and pieces of her 'discussion'!! i felt like going up to her and ask her "what ur problem?" the way that she had 'discussed' about us where as if she had no wrong at all! at that moment i was totally ashame to have been so keen in learning more about the 'beautiful' country and their people. 1 thing i had totally come to realisation is that koreans are PRIDEFUL people. is it good or bad? i rather not answer that, its up to individual's comprehension.

maybe its all those education that make people lose that sense of humble, modest and moral or maybe those beautiful, kind and friendly koreans live somewhere in the villages far away from the corruption of 'moderization'??

my dear fellow country-man/ woman remember!! don't do disgracing things overseas!! and if u die die must... please don't disclose where u r from!! =_=||

btw, there were other terrible tourist of other nations that we met too. but since they are world renounced terrible tourist/ people, i won't comment on them. all i could say is that they had 'maintained' their 'world class' manners and i am not at all surprised by them. LOL

庭院深深

2007-05-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

OMG!! i found a clip for it! haha... =P must goggle and see where i can get this dvd/ vcd sia.... i love this story! and err.. qin han was my idol (then); he had all the charm any man needs to be a true lover sia! hehee... he is still very charming to date! too bad, he didn't get together with lin qing xia if not their baby will be prettier than tom cruise'! =P

i just went to yes-asia to check for the drama and the cost was S$100++ *faint* for 40 pcs of old obsoleted drama!!! even those actors and actresses are 99% on retirement!!! and its still so expensive!!! oh... if only ts has this title... *grumble*

瓊瑤

2007-05-29T23:33:00.000+08:00

can u remember this drama?

its from the famous mdm 瓊瑤 (qiong yao). of all the drama (taiwan) i miss 庭院深深 and 六個夢-三朵花. does anyone know where i can get a complete set of 瓊瑤's tv drama (hopefully locally)? even if it is just 1 story.... =( err.. please don't suggestion that 《還珠格格》 cuz i don't like that story. i still prefer those heart-wretching, tears jerking drama. =P

picture-HK

2007-05-28T14:07:00.000+08:00

nothing much to take (pic). but whatever interesting impression had been burned into my perm. long memory databank (brain) so too bad... these are all that u will see. =P

ps- i can't understand why pple are so crazy over the mango-coconut milk dessert. its coconut milk!! bad for health!! *faint*

hong kong

2007-05-28T13:09:00.001+08:00

i am finally back from Hong Kong. what can i say? its a great trip! almost like a deja-vu experience for me. maybe its all the tvb drama that makes me feel so 'familiar'/ close to the city. otherwise, this city is not much different from Malaysia's KL. these 2 cities speak in Cantonese and move relatively similar too.

while many rush to get all their shopping done, i was more than happy to get my tummy filled! haha... but too bad, my body had somewhat triggered its defence tactic to prevent me from overeating! for everything i desire, i could only eat 1/2 a share or else i will feel ultra super bloated! =( but all is not lost!! why?! cuz the food isn't that fantastic as i thought it would be! =( pardon me dear hk-fans, i seriously think that KL's diam sum is nicer! don't get me wrong! the food in HK is good, of cuz it is but not great enough to make me drool simply thinking of it.

HK is just a city. tourism wise, it is no different from Singapore. food wise, Malaysia is cheaper and nearer to home. people wise, oh my God!!! HK is so crowded with foreigners (china-chinese, ang moh, korean, filipino, thais, etc) that i felt i was in a massive rojak! =( and as the saying goes... tour brings out the best/worst of a person's behaviour. not judging any ethnic groups or persons i must say that people are generally selfish and insecure! oh well... =_=|?

trip to an unknown saloon

2007-05-22T21:51:00.000+08:00

i had been wanting to trim my hair for a long time. initially i want to do it during my trip but my friends said why spend extra $$ on it, its more expensive there. its also a plain waste of time too! so i was waiting for a convenince time to pop by the hair saloon at city hall/ funan. but i didn't get to due to plain laziness i think.

so i went to the 1 near my place. the reason i chose it was 1)it was rather empty, 2)outside the shopping mall, it was raining heavily (might as well use the time on something useful). my experience was err... it wasn't too bad. but i prefer my old stylist. at least when he blows dry my hair, i won't feel the pinch from the comb.

conclusion... always go back to the one that knows u well. haha.. at least... know ur hair well...

u go, she go, i also want to go

2007-05-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

lots of people around me had been visiting hongkong. the things they say about the dim sam and the dessert store and the shopping. *faint* i want to go!!

after the mad korean wave, i am sinking into those TVBS cantonese drama. i remembered watching those drama series at 6pm in 1980s on the malaysia's channel. it was the only reason why i would rush home after school. =P

i can't wait to board the flight and fly myself into the arms of the sacastic hongkong cantonese aunties! hahaha... =)

i want to eat the famous dim sam, dessert, eggtarts, beef-noodle, etc... lets see if i can get any clothings/ shoes. afterall i am on ultra super low budget these days.

sabath

2007-05-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

do u know why God created a day for all to rest. even for Himself? and it so interesting that it's on the 7th day, not on the 5th, not on the 10th but on the 7th.

recently i had been working for 8 days straight without an off. that's because i had exhasted my off and rest day together at a go. but working for 8 days in a row is plain tiring. i lose the energy and the interest in the work. by the 5th day i was almost like a robot trying to move along with the flow. lucky our work is not predictable, if not i would had slept on the job! on this very 8th day, i am grumpy, angry (with what or for what, i also don't know), slightly depress and low on my esteem and confident! *sigh* =(

however the good thing of working for a few days in a row is that i get to know my clients better and better follow up care for those long stayers. i know they meds at my fingertips. i know who is on what and when it is due, without needing to check the documents again and again to be sure. but that can be bad too... too overly confident.

BUT WHY AM I STILL SO PMS-ING?!?!?

i remember my ex-cell leader taught us once that there are different people that we will cross path in our life. there are those that will pump in energy into our life, those that will 'suck' our energy out of our life and there are those that we will have such great chemistry- whenever we are together, we will energise not just ourselves but those around us.

there are those fews that belong to the group 1 and 3 in my life. and i think if u r reading this i believe u belong to these 2 groups. =) and i am so deeply grateful for ur pressence in my life and for crossing my path. in 1 point or another i was/am greatly blessed by u. *sniff*

but sadly i am often pre-occupied by those in the 2nd group- the 'suckers'. they mere presence 'pressurise' me and sucks my energy, my joy and my will!!! it can be their words, their bahaviour and even their facial expression. and u won't believe!!! it can even be the distance they have with me! *faint* eg- if i am talking, i don't really like a person to look over my shoulder on what i was talking about. i also don't enjoy having the other person moving closer and closer to me (like as if pushing me away from my position). i don't like having to repeat my 'speech' 2x just because she/he did not catch my 'speech' cuz she/he was simply too engrossed in reading what i had written instead of listening to what i spoken. so these are the suckers. they suck my energy but having me to repeat myself (just because they didn't pay attention to me while i was telling them something or maybe they simply think very little of me and feel that they can't trust what i had said). they suck my energy by intruding into my personal space. and lastly they suck my energy by 'making' me trying to communicate, to be nice and be less judegmental on them. (I REALLY WONDER IF U CAN UNDERSTAND THE ABOVE! o_O??)

so in-conclusion... i wish i won't have to work/ be with suckers in my life. but life isn't all so smooth sailing... so if i really need to be with suckers, i pray that there are others there to buffer the situation! =(

i am not as noble as what Daddy in Heaven hopes for me to be. to love everyone, even my enemies. enemies are people whom we hate, right? so God detest us hating one another so He wish for us to love instead. although those suckers are not my enemies and i certainly don't hate them, i can't bring myself to love them either. in my safe little grey area, i am asking "can i not love them but i promise i won't hate them?" o_O??

ps- ms Tan if u r reading this. please please please agree on my request to switch shift with u! =_=||

hang over?

2007-05-08T02:04:00.000+08:00

yesterday after my morning shift, i was so tired that i felt asleep straight after dinner! this is the 2nd time i fell aslept while watching TV series! gosh!! i think i am losing stream in my "love"! OMG!!

if that is not bad enough... i woke up at 0045hr and was unable to get back to sleep anymore! that explain why i am blogging at the wee hours of the day!

could this be a sort of hang over (from stress)?

wat a day!

2007-05-05T01:37:00.000+08:00

today is so busy. =( why must people be 'deployed'?? from the already very short of people place?! *sigh* our only hope is the to be passed out girls. but that will be another 1 month of waiting... waiting... waiting... *sigh*

its coming true!!! scary??

2007-05-03T00:15:00.000+08:00

i had previously blog about people leaving. well... its almost coming true!! i knew of a staff that had been offered by another hospital for office hours clinic position. and she is really keen to move over as it will benefit her family and eventually her travelling time. then there is another staff that had been asked personally by the ADN to rotate to another ward! aiyoo... so much changes awaits. usually i will be all emotional and upset but this time, i think i am growing numb to it already.

if these people truly leave the team. i will surely miss them even if i might not had been very approving of her working style. i'll wish them all the best and hope we will stay in touch.

recent updates

2007-05-01T23:50:00.000+08:00

finally the trip is booked. the amount of unhappiness and walking around and the quarrelling. i am really puzzled why can't we just "let it be" and "regardless be"?? maybe its the side effect of being singapore-made/ moulded?? well well... i don't want to think so much about it. after all i must preserve my brain for more useful wear and tear! =P

since the trip is booked, i will just open my mind and enjoy the trip. the budget it low but i hope the experience will be great. =) no ocean park but there will be disney land. no islands trips but there will be the more than enough dian sum and roasted whatever! haha... just let it be and enjoy while i can...

------------------------------------------

on another tone.... i am feeling so bored with my life now. =( the house is so quiet and lifeless! =( no... no... i am not dying for kids or what shit. its just being raised in an ever noise-filled surrounding... quietness is a stranger to me. and boy!! the house is so so so quiet! =(

S.H.E- 中国话完整 MV

2007-04-26T04:33:00.000+08:00

i am so glad!!! S.H.E have a new album leh! and i'm loving it! =) do visit their blog for more updates!

hebe is so so pretty, ella is err... haahaa... my view? act cute and selina? haha... her overall image looks so BIMBOtic!! hahaha.. =P but the song is cool and good. listen closely to the lyrics! its really meanful and deep. =)

新希望? 希望ba..

2007-04-26T03:54:00.000+08:00

had a chat with my dear friend bee hours ago. its always comforting to speak to her. maybe its her age and wisdom? or is it plainly cuz she seems have lots to share? i love listening to people talk although sometime i tend to shut down a little when bored! =P we chatted abt work, people and lots of other stuff. heehee... come to think of it, she is only years younger than my mummy! but if my mummy was anything like her... I WILL CERTAINLY FREAK OUT! hahaha... wanted to catch up with mr Chan but he had had other plans and he even attended the WDA talk! while almost all of us weren't informed. i must take my hats off to the WDA-SMCP organisers! they are so so so ... disorganised! hahaha.. long story to my conclusion of them being disorganised which i won't say much here nor anywhere.

when to plaza singapura with a co-worker and we chat about how to 'pimp the front room' (ever watch the prog. 'pimp my house'?) ya, its some sort of a make-up lar. hopefully things will fall thru and will stay the way it was intended to be. oh and she was saying there are things that she hopes to see in the future. honestly i am thrilled cuz it sounds like an exciting learning experience for everyone. if everyone is so passional and keen in learning more, that is. of cuz there are people who goes to work for the sake of working and let time flies. then maybe they will hate the new up-coming stuff.

actually, after my 1st 6 months i realised that the inital excitement of working in the ward was tearing down. cuz we are always doing the same thing and i felt there wasn't new things to learn. although the stuff that i had learnt i wasn't doing it to prefection, i felt learning had suddenly freezed at that point. coming to work everyday was just simply clocking in the hours and merely a transition til another big bang happens. by big bang i was thinking of ward-rotation/ advance dip. while thinking if i should request for ward rotation, i felt that there are still things to learn here in our ward. but... what is it??? i just can't pin-point it. oh well, at least i knew my goal. that is to know my work well, be proficient in my medical knowledge and to have the forsightness to know the needs and the shoulds and the may happens before prompted. =)

afterall i am still in training for my Father's calling. =) so i am hoping and praying for the 新希望 to breakthru from its 希望 state and into action state. =)

好朋友

2007-04-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

recently a friend got deployed to another ward. *sigh* but it seems she is pretty fine and happy there for the time being. wonder what does she needs to do there. i/c or jr? are the staff there nice and what sort of patients are she nursing? but i didn't get to catch up with her. knowing that she is really 'gone' makes me miss her +++ =(

when Cindy and Boo ah Lian went to the back room, i missed them too. but at least it was not that bad cuz they are always within seeing distance. of cuz, there are time i miss their voices, haha... like the way ah lian she gets frustrated and all freak out over 1 little mistake. funny, amusing but she is really REAL. i like her. and yes! she is smart too. i like smart people but i can't say that they all like me! hahaha... then there is Cindy that is always so willing to teach and correct. *sigh*

recently a few prcp girls (they are students serving their final attachment and will be passing out as staff nurses soon- hopefully back to our ward) asked me, if i will be leaving the ward too. and i cheeky asked them why? does it matter to them at all? and i was shocked! they replied 'yes' and they then went about saying that they choose to come back on their request form cuz they found the people here (in our room) are rather nice and working with us will be enjoyable. (of cuz there is the familiar issue lar) being in the team i take pride knowing that i had contributed into these young ones' learning curve and made their attachment here enjoyable!

always viewing myself as a jr's jr. i was surprise that my sharing with them what i know, i was in fact helping the girls and they actually could learn new things from me!! i am so elated! cuz i consider myself unworthy and totally 'lost in the wood' sort. =)

so... while i am glad and deeply cherish my friends who are still in the front room and those that are no longer (if u r reading this blog, u should know that u belong to the group of deeply cherish people lor!) i am filled with anticipation in welcoming the new bloods that will be gushing into the ward.

i realised too, since there are so much things that make life terrible working in the ward. we might as well do something about what we can change to make living easier. even if it means forking out my own money to improve the condition of our workplace. why not?

心寒

2007-04-17T15:51:00.000+08:00

i don't want to move backwards. i don't want to doubt my calling. but happenings are just so trying.

i am often reminded the story of coffee beans, carrot and egg, how they went through the heat of the boiling water. coffee bean was the victor cuz not only it did not change orginal itself, it enhanced the water with its aroma and flavor. carrot was the tortured poor soul that was so 'damaged' by the heat that it eventually became soft inside out and lost its initial self. egg was the weathered hard nut, its experience in the heat made it all hard and loses it unique flavor. which is u? and which is me? i want to be the coffee bean but i see myself moving towards being an egg. its safer to be that, i suppose, and less painful too. just by being hard and totally emotional-less, i will not be harm or affected by the outside factor. even if the water boils any futher, a hard boiled egg will just remain hard boiled. but i don't want that to be me. God did not make me that way and i am sure He doesn't want me to be that too.

still... the world is harsh and the people are ruthless. so what if we are in a 'noble' job? so what if we poured our all into the life of those in need of a moment of love and care? there is nothing in return. its expected of, i suppose. afterall we are paid, aren't we?

my prayer today is "God, is everyone designed and destinated to be the coffee beans? if yes, why are there so much differences? if no, can i stubbornly choose to be an egg and never get affected by anything?" if only God replies in emails and sms... i have so much to tell... *sigh*

blessed as always! =)

2007-04-13T00:45:00.000+08:00

had u read my previous entry on how i screwed up the referal to hospital vs hospice thing?! by the mighty grace and loving blessing of my dear Father!! i am "saved". haha...

ok, just a recap.
case 1:a patient who had been pending for community hopsital placement since day 1 to day 30!! had been rejected and so my jiejie suggested hospice. so i put up the form, HO filled in the form and i faxed it. later patient was accepted. but then... jiejie realised that patient may not die so soon after following the consultant's round 1 morning. then she blamed me for faxing the form without giving it to her for vetting. she said that she just suggest but the HO ought to have spoken and discuss with her boss before filling in the form and blah blah blah... so i kena from her and the entire ward of nurses had to face the music due to my mistake. BUT!!! in the end... just when my jiejie and the HO were thinking of calling off the referral. the consultant said patient should go to hospice!! haha...

case 2: patient's msw said to refer patient to community hospital-subacute care. but jiejie felt patient ought to go to hospice instead. with no black and white doc. to support what i had heard from the msw. i was screwed! and since patient was previous referred to another community hospital but rejected, i had a ready filled-form to fax. so i did... again with the jiejie vetting through. like the above case, this issue was brought up during the roll-call. everyone was screwed for my mistake! =( i didn't follow up with the management after that. but when i went on shift again today, i heard that the msw and Dr F (consultant) came and specify stated that patient is NOT for hospice and that she is for community HOSPITAL and SUB-ACUTE care! finally my innocent was returned to me, that was how i felt when i knew about it. =)

ok, so i did do something wrong. i admit my mistake and i repent over it. but the wrong was made right. can u sense my joy when i heard that!? ok... some people think i am crazy to be happy over such stupid issue. but i am simply glad. ;) now, if my jiejie want to screw me on this issue, she can't say much except that i did not let her vet through the form before faxing it. she can't grumble about how much time was waste in between the "trying to correct my mistake while wait for another placement for patient" =) if we see the big picture, i didn't do anything wrong... patient needs to go to A - got to A, patient needs to go to B - got to B. although there were a little hic-ups in between, the job was done. isn't it the most important? *smirk* but still... it was quite a lesson to be learnt.

learning curve

2007-04-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

i must say that i lead a wonderfully blessed life. never do i have to suffer hardship that was beyond my endurance level. often in my work place, or in times of schooling, i will always find people that are nice, caring and pastoring. err... pastoring is like a person that watches over and often lead and guide others onto the right path/ direction. lucky for me, i never have great big hic-ups in my nursing (barely 1 yr) too.

while some of my peers face active resus and difficult/ complex orders from the doc. i was often on the safe side. the orders are rarely tough and even if it was there will always be nice missies to teach me. although i am happy that my life is so smooth, i often admire those that had been "jinx" cuz they seems to learn so much more than me. =(

just like today's roll call. jiejie asked a question regarding IDC "should we change the IDC after bladder washout?" i really really have no idea wat's the right answer!!! it was never taught in school!! and never in my life as a student nurse did i ever seen such procedure. i only know idc can prevent the sore from getting worse. =( *sob sob*
so when night girls told me to just keep the idc and let team to decide, i took her reasoning and didn't bother to question her nor read thru the past report. now i know, 3-way idc must change after washout and when people pass report must stand by the stand and read it word for word! (no wonder YiSxxx always do that)

then there was the other thing that i learnt today. don't think the words of jiejie are GOD's!!! just because jiejie said something, i acted upon it immediately. our dear HO thinks that jiejie said the most sensible thing too. so i put up the form, she filled in the form and i faxed it. i forgot to let jiejie check it before faxing so... in the end... it was a BIG issue!! so jiejie said "i only suggest for the team to discuss and decide" so... in the end who fault was it?! MINE lor... i am ok to take the load of the fault. cuz i learnt a BIG BIG lesson from this event that i am glad i did. although i am not excited that i had learnt this "new" thing, i am nevertheless glad that i had learnt something from it.

finally the last lesson that i had learnt today. don't just take the words of the msw (med/ ncc) for what they said over the phone! i rem answering a call from msw (peiFxx) saying that pt was for BVH after discussion with pt's consultant but she was too busy to come up to ink up. so she said to document it down what she had said. so i did. i remember hearing her said HOSPITAL but in the end jiejie said and asked a very rational and logical question "hospital is for sub-acute care. but look at the pt, does she need sub-acute/ rehab/ respite/ hospice care leh?" then it hit me!!! i must had done a wrong wrong wrong thing!!! so i tried to flip the notes hoping the msw had came up yesterday to ink up her conversation with dr.F and what she told me... but NO!!! so i was the 1 that start the problem and so i bear it. of cuz if i had let jiejie check the form before faxing it, the beating will be more bearable.

so in summary what is the 1 BIG lesson that i learnt?!?! DON'T TRUST OTHERS SO MUCH!! MUST TRUST MYSELF AND EVERYTHING MUST BE BLACK AND WHITE BEFORE PROCEEDING!!!

although kena these beating, i still like this jiejie cuz she talks sense. of cuz, not everything she say i will take in now, just like eating fish... must know how to spit out those uncleaned scales and pokely bones. i think i had grew more mature by 10% today!

2007-04-11T19:43:00.000+08:00

i had a feeling that my friends in the workplace is getting lesser by the numbers. am i creating too many enemies?! err... i think no lar. it just that many of those people that i like are leaving by the batches. *sigh*

initially i thought i like H-BO but she was a little distant from the day i knew her. her being around her always make me feel safe, like being near a mother-hen. =) but still i always felt that she wasn't very open about her personal life. giving me the feeling that she draws a rather clear line between this is my work and u r my colleague, that is our relationship. anything beyond that is a blessing but if it doesn't happen that is the default. i thought that was rather icy of her. but of cuz after being around for awhile i realised she can be rather warm. =)

but the "u r just my colleague here at work, outside we aren't friends" sort of mindset had been buzzing around me since day 1 of my working life and nursing course. the reason being- there are always either bitchy and bossy or "snake-eaters" among us. although i don't like to smile to people that i don't like and act as if we are great team players and beset of buddy at work, i don't openly snare at them or stab them from the back. because i don't like to work with no smileys and joy, i try to avoid working with people that i don't like or they don't like me. its a torture!! its worst then being starved for 30 days!!! *faint*

my policy is clear- if u don't like me, i don't have to love u. although not very Christ-like, it makes me sane! at least when someone shows me a long face (which normally i don't see her doing it with others) i will not be offended. cuz her feelings/ attitude towards me will not blow me off my footing. can't be all so sensitive and "xiao jie" lar. face it, Esther! 1) the world don't revolve around u! 2) u rn't that lovable that everyone in the world needs to love u! haha.. even fann wong got her anti fann wong fans! =P

my heart had harden towards those "colleagues" so much so that that even after knowing that because i had done 1 mistake thus causing them to be grilled by the boss or sinking into shit. i won't feel gulity or anything! the only thing i could think of was... "ok, so that was not what should be done. next time i better do it right." as for the situation at the point of time... i felt it was for that "colleague" to settle. basically "it now ur problem liao".

i know its really terrible for me to be like that. and honestly as i compose this entry, i felt like i am an evil backstab and trouble-maker in the making!! if this continue i will be causing lots of problem! that is not what a good nurse or a good person with basic moral should do!

but... i am just begaining to start hating the every thought of having to face those "colleagues". sigh... maybe i should change to a friendlier environment??!?
*sigh* but i don't want to move on so soon. there are still so much more that i want to learn from those nice nice ones. =(

its hard to express

2007-03-26T00:50:00.000+08:00

do u find urself feeling so many feelings at 1 time or another but unable to express it? the burden of those emotions and thoughts just overwhelms. no matter how u tried to escape/ face/ resolve it, it just seems no way out. no amount of shopping therapy or massage or praises and cash can bring u comfort. then... someone suggested and reminded u of the forever lasting goodness of His embrace. u laughed it off thinking u might know those standard answers He would say... "let go", "wait", "don't worry" .... but because u weren't searching for answers, u were searching for something else... something that u can't really point out wat it was...., u moved away...drifting unknownly further and further away.

listen to this song... Still by Hillsongs' Reuben

its amazing how people draws different meanings out from the same words.
singing the lyrics, i found my personalised meanings to words such as flood, storms and i found strength in the lyrics. i hope u will too.

happy easter!! may u be risen along with He who had beared our sins and curses.

please give ur seats to the more needy

2007-03-25T04:38:00.000+08:00

wat do u do when u see a preg. woman or an elderly stand right infront of u in the midst of a very crowded mrt train?! naturally u stand up and let them have the seat right?
so today i was on this train from boon lay back to tiong baru and the train was pack to the brim!!

why is boon lay forever so crowded leh!??! i always tell my younger sister (still staying in boon lay) that the entire singapore love boon lay more than orchard!

okay...here's the story....

there was this little boy who was sitting on 1 of the seat playing his playstation-mobile. he remained sitting from boon lay to jurong east...(the train is still PACKED!!) and then when the jurong east's crowd (transiting from north bound to east bound) moved into the train, we were all standing shoulders to shoulders!! a 18-20 yr old, young lass stood infront of this playstation little boy. the little boy looked at her and stood up. i was watching with amusment!! how the 2 persons eyes met and how the little boy smiles as if giving up his seat to the young lass (who was all dressed up for some serious clubbing!!). haha... the young girl was so puzzled!! it was for sure that the playstation little boy was not about to alight cuz the mrt doors just closed!! haha...

i bet the young girl must be thinking "shit!! do i look preg?!?! or am i really so old!!! darn!! it must be the make-up!! i wanted to do the make-up to look a little older so i can get into XXX but now this little boy thinks i am so old that he must let out his sit for me?!?! shit!!!"

hahaha... i was so so so amused that i can't wipe the grin off my face! in the end the young girl did take the seat since nobody did. and the little boy squeezed his way to the other side of the cabin and stood with his mummy (seated)!! haha...

so the reason was.....the little boy was afraid that he can't see his mummy and end up missing the stop to alight!! but the young girl might not know it cuz if she was seated she won't be able to see where the little boy had walk to!! haaha.... funny right?

1 happy day and a can of ensure

2007-03-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

happy day
-----------

hmm... today was a surprisely good day for me. although i was on morning (which i totally hate!) and the fact it being a weekday (which means lots of discharges and changes), it was a pleasently relax day!!! wow!!! O_O!!

maybe its the students or the extra PCA trainees?! but anyway, it was good day for me. =P got the time to joke and laugh. oh!! maybe its the people that i was working with?! or?! maybe its my mood?! aiyo.. so many possible factors.

but today after a short break to the house-man canteen, i was left smiling from my heart! =)) i saw my dearest lecturer MDM YAP!! =) i love her, manz... she is professional and cool and 100% real in dealing with anybody and anything! my role model! =) and i saw my favourite MOs and HOs today!! (current and some ex-s) so happy to see them!!

so it helps to get out of the ward for breaks. taking a break from the same old faces and the routine of work. just the sight of an old friend, ex-patient relatives or admirable staffs... wow... that makes my day! aren't i easy to be contended?!

------------------------------------

ensure
-------

during the "talk crap" time, we asked dietian ms Pauline (err wats her surname?!) how to lose weigh and she grumbled that SN. always ask her this question. her usual reply was "drink 4 cans of ensure a day and nothing else." in that way 1 can lose up to 1 kg/ month!! wow... Nisa and i heard it and we were totally stun!! "really?" we grasped! but the challegen would be having the will power not to want to taste other food.

hmm... being through sessions of detoxing (ie. drink only fruits and vegetables juice) i think i can do it for a week. and if it really works then its cool!! haha... maybe then i will concern booking an appointment with ms Pauline. so i bought 1 can of ensure (vanilla) for tasting. its still sitting on the kitchen top. let me master enough courage (not to puke), try it and give everyone a feedback! haha.... =P

i am actually trying to rope Nisa to share a carton of ensure and start this "project" together!! power in strength and unity mah... hahaha... lets see ba.... =P

feedback

2007-03-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

aiyoo... so many people had been saying the same thing!!! they all commented on my posting on my complaints!! *faint* so sorry to dampen ur moods with my grumblings.

aiyooo... i have good days and times too lar. just that when i am "angry" and frustrated then i will blog and rumble rumble rumble... =P

i must post more on my happy days. =) hmm... maybe another time ba... now, its time to koonzzz...

??

2007-03-17T13:20:00.000+08:00

i remembered a classmate of mine who once wrote of his love-hate relationship for school holidays after one of our mid-year holiday. our dear English teacher wrote a big "OUT OF CONTEXT" and "SEE ME!" on his work. he was so upset and showed it to me while complaining away. i thought his work was rather interesting, showing his emotions and thoughts relating to that vague title that our dear teacher gave "school holidays". but of cuz, everyone knows what sort of standard answer the teacher was looking for ... (don't u?)

standard questions to standard answers. that is the way, the world moves isn't it?
......

budget trip to "korea"?!

2007-03-10T00:04:00.001+08:00

heard from a friend that there is going to be a little korean-town in singapore soon. i was so excited. having read abt square 2 from another blog, i was ever so hopeful! so.... finally i managed to hop into square 2 but to my GRAND BAD SURPRISE!!! it was a flop in my view!
there were the usual stuff of any normal mall, vcd shops, ntuc and foodcourt. =( all the way to novena to see these?! what the ?!?!?! there were no cd shop selling any korean pop!! shit!!! the only korean pop i can find was just rain and more rain... i think i sense a storm brewing somewhere within me liao! *roar* anyway, i bought the "lee an" cd. still listening to it. not too bad lar.
i was also wanting to see some decent korean food. but!!! *faint* there was the normal foodcourt food (yong tou fu, minced meat noodle..ba ba ba..) and there was a resturant called "san duo" that sells roasted meat. aiyoo....
the only korea-spiced shop was the shops selling those clothes. yes, those were korean street wear. not too bad lar. i like. =)

but but... *sigh* i don't think i will want to visit that place again. *2 thumbs down* pui....

budget trip to "korea"?!

2007-03-10T00:04:00.000+08:00

heck care

2007-03-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

after working for a few days now after the long break, i am getting on the move. feels smoother now. even though i am on the same shift as A i am fine. u know why? cuz i heck care lar! if she wants to be "stupid" then let her be ba.

i remembered her asking me to change some dressing material but being unsure and not wanting to take her instruction (cuz i think its really >80% unreliable) i called sister no.3 to take a look instead. although the recommendation was the same as ms A, i was more at ease doing what sister no.3 said. haha... see rank, huh?!? o_O? no lar, i am not that sort of person!!

lucky the day was relatively easily, i had time to do calling. stupid ms A did not call H.Center for appt of BMA procedure! so the report was passed on for the pass 3 days saying pt for BMA on 2/3/07. so the day comes and i wonder how on earth will the center knows abt the pt's procedure leh!? Dr S although is exteremly nice but will she go and inform the center?!?! hmm.. not possible ba. so i call this no. and that no. and they direct me to yet another ext and ext and ext... finally i got thru and long story short... procedure done and it was really fast!! 2 thumbs up to the nurses @ H.center!! must compliment them!! =))

so then came the time to pass report to ys and ms.D (i think i mentioned her before). ys is nice and all. ms.D was ok lar but 1/2 way thru she and missy-wait-long-long started talking loudly! *faint* i felt my voice getting louder and louder then i suddenly stop and made the disgusted sound that "looney tune" loves to make. i was a little disgusted by them but then heck-care lar.

show me attitidue? i'll show u attitidue... the next time if they like this again, i will just stop and say "still want me to pass or not?! if not interested then i will just stop here then." woohoo... that will stir shit and kill my future in the company, man!! haha... but... heck care lah...

my friend and i used to plan to have a PMS day every month/ week. and on that day we will be very nasty and short-temper and will frown thru'out the day. i don't think he had started it yet. but i trust he will do it well cuz he was from that field previously! haha... so MR if u r reading this lets get together and plan on how to launch our project PMS! hahaha... long time since we did a project together! =))

cloudy mind

2007-02-28T00:22:00.000+08:00

today isn't a good day at all. after a long break back to work, hands are a little stiff and reactions are super duper slow! i hate that feeling. although i am caring for less patients, ys (caring 2x more pt than me) was helping me out! shit!! i felt so useless! =( need someone to shake me into shape! must wake up my idea!!! damn it...

terrible -1
i debated within if i wanted to post my "anger" of this person online. well, i guess its ok. this person let me call her A. everytime being around her makes me feel like she is deliberating making me feel "belittled" and showing that she is very smart. but i honestly think she is very 自做聪明 or at least think she THINKS she is very "tough/ smart". eg. i pass to her this thing abt hmm... an appt. :

scene 1-
me: "so the appoint is going to be done at ABC center and it will be on 30/2/07. please make sure patient is nil by mouth and plug needed."

A: "so the patient going for the appointment. must insert plug and nil by mouth right? (tone of voice is very important!!! hers was a tone of 'hey do u know!??!')"

me: "ya." (mental note- tot i mentioned to u liao?! what the f* man!!)

scene 2-
me: "patient is K+ is low. but its not too bad lar. told the on-call already. nil order"

A: "what?!?! nil order?! i must call to scold him liao! how can?!"

me: (mental note- scold!? wow... must be damn cool to watch how she scold the Dr!!)

A: (on the phone) so this patient is having low K+ what do you want to order? (tone is again very important! the tone and the level of voice was hardly even stern in my view!! she ought to hear how $$ call the on-call!! wow!! that is REAL POWER!!)

because of these accumulative experiences with her, i associate her with an ex-classmate. talk big, act clever and work so-so only. hmmm... put it this way; i don't really like her. but since she don't seems to "give face" to me or like me i DON'T THINK I NEED TO LIKE HER LOR!! the feeling is sama-sama, ba.

terrible - 2
its again feelings!!! wonder if i am having my PMS! hahaha... bed 9 was d/c and since ys was not around to answer the call from the drug store. i took the call. bed 9's dr had ordered the same old meds for her so in order not to waste, mei asked if bed 9 still has those at home? i went over to ask bed 9, wow!!!!!!! SHE FLARED @ ME!! darn... wats her problem idiot!! anyway long story short... i think she dislike me, as usual i don't need to like her either (but i don't hate her lar). *pui*

terrible - 3
dad is hospitalised for S.O.B. in KL. mom was informed and she wanted to ask if i was able to go to KL with her to visit him. i didn't feel anything abt him being hospitalised, maybe somewhere deep there hurts had been released but love that never exist could never be restored. (right? if there is nothing there, how to restore leh?)

then the question popped up in my mind. what if he pass away or is diagnosed to have X amt of time. what will i do? or what will the entire family do? simply attend the funeral? care for him for the last days? who or which side will decide on the last procedures e.g.-DNR.? what sort of coffin? shit like that. honestly i don't know!!!

if we do, the hurt that was imposed on the family was terrible. were we all to exercise forgiveness to such an extreme?! (wow!! really like turning the other side of the face to be slap sia!) or should we let him rot in whoever that is/are willing to clean his shit!? then appear to be so cold and unforgiving (afterall that ur father leh... in my mom's direct quote). then assuming we get past that stage, @ the funneral do we invite the "unorthodoxs" be part of the family in the ritual and shit (thank God i am a Christian!) or host them as guests or ban them totally?! damn with all those crazy decision needed to be made! or will we even care enough to host the funneral or simply burn him and chuck him somewhere in a temple or sort? hahah... and then the will!! the money!! the properties?!?! and maybe even the debts?!?!

see lar... man are nothing but shitload of problem for others! idiots!!!

terrible - 4 ...5....6.....7....8....9....10 (list continue)

but then again, who the f* don't have problems leh?! its on our own to handle and see what sort of solutions to come up with, right?

(WARNING!! crap ahead)
could the reason for govt. push for creativity thinking be due to the nation's lack of creativity problem-solving thus leading to increase in depression, substance-abuses and suidical cases?! hmm...

long holiday

2007-02-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

thanks for the kind concerns i am fine now.

for the past few days, i had been resting til my head-aches and my shoulders are sore!! yes... i had been looking up to mr piglet's good role model of sleeping...eating...more sleeping and more eating.. =p

watched a couple of dramas and movies. as usual screaming at the pace of the movie and stupidity of the plot but still glued to the set and complete watching those shows! haha... yes, i am a little confused by my actions sometimes! haha...

i remembered watching a very touching movie with a bunch of friends at a friend's place long time ago. most of us teared after the show i asked if everyone felt for that particular scene and tata... one of the guy friend say "wao lau.. u kept talking thru'out that scene how to feel?!" haha... yes.. yes... i had kept that bad habit!! laughing before the joke become apparent (like as if i have telepathy the scriptwriters prior watching the show) and commenting at those weird people/ actions at those not to favourable timing... =P

oh... i wanted so so so... badly to go swimming or cycling but the eye infection detered me from that... (excuses right?!?!) but i am looking forward for my next off day!! i will surely make it to low delta if not jurong west pool to do my laps!! =))

new year happening

2007-02-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

i am suffering from an eye infection!!! aiyoo... now my left eye is reduced to a slit! the white of my eye is now only red!

more stories on it when i am much better, pray from me!

Jesus in Blue Jeans - reflection 1

2007-02-11T16:32:00.000+08:00

i am reading this book "Jesus in Blue Jeans" by Laurie Beth Jones (author of Jesus, CEO) its a really very very easy to read and digest book.

for those that know me well, i am not a reader. i learn mainly thru - audio, visual and hands-on. but this book captivates me. its meant to be some sort of "daily bread" sort of reading material. at the end of each short "lesson" there are questions to answer, prayer outline and affirmation statement to speak into ones own life.

in order to absorb the most of every "lesson" i decided to read it slowly, not rushing thru it in a couple of days/ weeks. honestly its so good that i am tempted to do so and since its so easy to read, i can-if i want to. but i chose otherwise. =)

anyway, enough of those introduction and backgrounds... there are lots of things that had been swirling in my mind. some are things that i had not yet come to terms with and struggling to let go/ embrace but there are things that had "scraped the scales off my eyes". something to share with everyone and also to remind myself the next time i read my own blog....

God chose not the people who were willing, but the people who were ready. Judges 7:5

wow.... its really a wake up call for me. i know i am willing for God to lead and mould me into where and what He wants me to be but am i READY? and how ironical is it when we can be willing but not ready to do God's will. hm... a thot for you to ponder on now....

wat do i think of this new Customize blogspot options?

2007-02-08T01:23:00.000+08:00

i had just finish playing around with the new template customize options. it's now easier to change the colors and some fonts but there are still areas to improve on. but still!!! its a big big thumbs up! =)

the only frown is that the comment part. where is the icon for leaving of comments?!?!? its gone!!! then i realised that i got to click on the time stamp to then redirect me to post a comment. aiyoo... isn't it troublesome or wat?!

if u r using blogspot too, what is ur take on this new "choices" and changes?

my theory-seafood in wound healing

2007-02-07T15:48:00.000+08:00

singapore is very good at making documentary-like shows. not too preachy, semi-informative at a very light hearted and digestable manner. and i love that! =) yah, i am a sucker for informations too. =) hey! i am not all drama and nothing one leh!! =P

so i was watching this informative prog. regarding wound healing, the chinese med. vs med sci.'s views on seafood on wound healing. i love the way the chinese "yi shi" (aka doctor) explain on the seafood reaction on the wound.

basic overview is that she didn't see a problem having seafood during wound healing. but!!!! (her reasoning is great!) seafood such as prawn is a "warm" food that may have some intereaction with the blood thus delaying the healing process. on that ground seafood is normally not advise during the healing process. the med sci. doctor from the hospital didn't explain much but she just said if the patient had never had an allergy reaction to seafood patient should not be too bothered by it. but if patient had been influenced by the family or friends to avoid it, then its a personal choice to do it. doctor stated that there isn't any science-base theory that state there is any probelm arising in seafood consumption during wound healing.

now.... *drums roll* MY THEORY...
seafood such as prawns and sotongs (squids) are high in iodine and cholesterol.

iodine
some people have allergic reaction to iodine; normally found out by previous exposure to iodine-based topical medication or contrast. but these people may or may not develop the same allergic reaction when eating seafood that's because the amount or concentration of iodine in those seafood may not be high enough to cause a reaction.

however during wound healing, our body is weaker than normal and the "new skin/flesh" that is granulating is more sensitive than the "old skin/ flesh" so even a small amount of iodine in the blood can cause serious allergic reaction i.e.-reddness, itchiness, swelling. when such allergic reaction (aka inflammationary reaction) starts the "new" sensitive skin/flesh will step up to step 2 of the process by trying to "flush" out the irritant out of the system. in that case we will start to see fluid coming out from the wound. over days, the fluid will become pus. *eekkk* why so? i believe its 2 fold, 1- the iodine is still lingering in the blood system thus reaction continues, 2- the wound is not cleansed thoroughly and frequently enough.

cholesterol
how is cholesterol metabolised? hmm... i remembered reading it from somewhere that cholesterol is metabolised when we exercise and sweat. in the sweat, the cholesterol is being cleansed out of the system (of cuz there is the urine part).

so seafood being high in cholesterol will means that there will be lots of it waiting to be used up. right? in order to reach a balance state, our body will try to use up the "extra" cholesterol by sweating and letting it out of our system. these "waste material" (cholesterol + salt + etc) will then form a thin layer of film over our skin if not scrub or washed away. now imagine with me, if a person refuse to be clean for 2 days his/ her skin will start to be itch due to the amount of waste material accumulating on the surface of the skin- affecting the natural "breathing process" of the skin and those waste material's chemical composition will naturally irritates the skin as well. (still can't imagine?!?! hmm... imagine that u went poo poo but didn't clean up ur ass after that! *puke*)

so, even on a well seasoned "old" skin such reaction will cause immense discomfort and itch; what more on a "new" sensitive grannulating flesh/ skin?! thus daily wound cleansing is very important! but cleansing can only help that much... if the patient had happily help him/ her-self with a big big serving of prawns, sotong and fishhead! gosh!! imagine the amount of cholesterol that will be in the body system and that will be metabolised?! unless, a hog-brush is used to scrub the wound and its surrounding areas, i doubt it will be "cleaned".

therefore... my advise on wounded individuals (physical wound! not emotional ones) to avoid seafood such as prawn, sotong and fishead. take ur antibiotics as instructed, shower at least 1x a day and get ur wound cleanse daily or otherwise instructed. oh ya, take lots of protein and water and fruits! and then.... *drums roll* u will have a beautiful healed wound scar in no time!!! =)

a post just for mr WD

2007-02-04T18:16:00.000+08:00

hi pal, although i had never met u nor "seen" u, u had been a friend for a long time to me. we "travelled" together to taiwan, korea, thailand and various part of singapore together with ur lovely friends and family. the memories of u complaining of the marthon, hotels and people were numerous but entertaining. oh, u opened me to songs by singers that i may not had taken favor of initially but fell in love with after "sampling" their songs. i can't remember how i gotten to know u and how i grew so "attached" to u. still....

u leaving for studies will indeed cause some "withdrawal" problems to me. i might shiver and have mucous dripping down my nose or maybe waking up in the middle of the night screaming but ur leaving is for the better. not like i will never "see" u again but it will certainly be lesser. so pal... take care and God bless! hopefully 5 years later, we will met again then... as person to person (hahahaha!!!) maybe in the same workplace?!?! remember to update ur recent being/ happening as regularly as possible...remember... apart from ur BL and vainpot uncles, u have a royal reader and friend here "missing" u! =)

a tribute to the author of http://tokcock-singsong.blogspot.com/

post it.

2007-02-04T18:07:00.000+08:00

recently a friend asked me if i was very busy or tired cuz i had not been blogging for a long time. my reply was nope to both options. but where had i been while not blogging? i am still here, still actively reading blogs, watching utube and reading emails.

maybe there isn't anythings to blog about thus i did not blog. basically my life is very transparent. no secerts, no lies- nothing to hide. what u see is what u get. so ya... tata... this is the very boring me... =)

korean drama strikes again!

2007-01-30T22:19:00.000+08:00

when i saw this drama "Alone In Love" i nearly screamed!!! yes! i was so so elated!! never had i ever been excited over 1 drama! this is the best drama ever! trust my words. =)

the attached youtube video is a SPOILER!! if u hate spoiler but had already watch the video then too bad! haha... but trust me, if u watch the drama...every episode will ripe ur heart into pieces but at the end of the episode healing will slowly take place.

i guess i am a sucker for heartwretching tales with happy endings. but then again there are tons of many others out there just like me! =) maybe its only through such shows can we believe there is indeed a happy ending to all troubles and unhappiness. if it happens to us real life, its too much too bear and too long to endure. but if it is in a drama/ movie, we can fastward and rewind thus making it all the easier to bear. =)

wishing ur happiness! =)
행복되어야 한다 (correct?)

korean fried ricecake in spicy-sweet sauce

2007-01-25T17:37:00.000+08:00

as usual i was blog hopping and from 1 site to another and another and another and i found this site -> http://mykoreankitchen.com ; author-sue

based on the instructions i managed to whip up the "famous" stir fried ricecake w gochujang (ddeokbokki). why did i say famous?! cuz this dish appears in almost all korean drama! haha... ya, this is the dish that the Goong's princess sneaked away from her bodyguards with her girl-friends to enjoy. =)

following the instructions (adding a little of my own innovatives and taking away some to suit my taste) tata... this is my art work!

its yummy... =9~~~
a little spicy, a little sweet.

private blogging-frds only?? o_O hmm...

2007-01-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

i had been reading this blog http://tokcock-singsong.blogspot.com/ as it was vibrant and colourful. how long had i been reading this blog? hmm... almost a year plus??

then 1 day (or rather evening) while surfing the net, visiting my regular blogs' site and checking my emails. i realised that MR WD had placed his blog on private. =( and it was only accessable for his friends only. i was not in his friend-list although i was his active and loyal reader. sigh... disappointed? yes, of cuz. but its only ... time to move on i think...

now... let me just click on the "next blog" button on the top right hand corner and see what i will hop on to... hmm... o_O?

guess where i went!?!?!

2007-01-19T23:40:00.000+08:00

in my 20++ years i had never stepped into this world-famous 24hr supermarket! it was the 1st supermarket that marketed CARS!! hahaha... oh... i think eventually it stopped selling cars and focused on its foodstuff and clothes and rolex watches!! maybe u can confirm if that is right. yes yes... its the Mustafa Shopping Centre @ Little India; Singapore.

my 1st attempt to experience this interesting culture of shopping and mixing with the 2nd smallest enthic group in singapore started at abt 8pm.

we were invited by our india-indian friends to taste some REAL... indian food! and so we did! (and we OVER ATE! *faint*)

this is fish taka (right spelling?) yummy!!
masala dishes and bryani!
there's naan too. i like naan best! =9~~

after the overeating... we went for the shopping spree... haha... BAD CHOICE!! its already almost 10pm and the crowd was just getting started!!

see!!! its so crowded!! i could hardly breathe!! i felt like i was getting a panic attack!! i think i might have some clusterphobic problem! any good psy dr to introduce?

finally!!! we are done with the shopping!! and guess what?! in order to prevent shoplifting, mustafa CABLE-TIE all those paid item into its respective plastic bags! haha... felt weird... o_O?!

but it was an experience for me. i think i will just stick to visiting Little Indian in the day-time as i had always did with my ex-SP friends. if any of u r reading this... thosai anyone?! =)

trivial matter on utube

2007-01-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

as most of u know, i love surfing on the "youtube.com" and i an account in there. to prevent being suspended, i placed my uploaded movies as "private". that means in order to watch it, the user must be my friend to watch it. initially it was fun having lots of request and approving them was no big deal. but eventually when the pool of "friends" increases, the process of approving gets quite troublesome. thus i always wait for a few pages worth of request to process in 1-go. but then there was this user that use the F word on my comment column!

he/she wants to be approved in order to watch the movie but used the F word to hurry me up on the process. i am so so so annonyed! where is his/her manner? lets see it from 2 point of view. 1- if u r requesting for something, u are at someone else's mercy so using the F word is very rude! 2- even if the person is delaying the process, using the F word in any case is very RUDE, period!

maybe i'm an asian thus that mindset, an american may think otherwise. if that is indeed the case then... there is something very very wrong with their educational system and parenting!

what did i do that person? nothing much. in fact, i made all my videos "public" so i don't have to entertain "friends request" anymore! in a way, i had given into the idiot's rude manners and allow him/her to get his/her way but well i am going to abort that account soon... so even if i do get suspended, so be it lor...

interesting finding on the internet!

2007-01-17T00:41:00.000+08:00

need a good laugh?

updates

2007-01-12T15:44:00.000+08:00

my dear 친구 (friends)
i had not been updating blogspot regularly. that's because i realise that vox.com is able to upload picture with more ease and design templates are prettier. but it doesn't have the flexiblity of blogspot to include links and such. so if u have time do drop by my vox and read some of my picture-filled blog entry lah... =) visit me at http://justmeon.vox.com/

i had been on tv recently! did u catch it? haha... i do look like a hippo huh? a friend was so surprise to see me on tv that he sms me with a shock! haha... somemore we had not seen each other for err... 1 year, 2? hmm... another girl friend sms me and said i looked more mature and she was surprise to see me in nursing!! she always tot i had gotten married and worked at being a "tai tai" haha.... =P

2 SGH nurses spotted drinking teh without paying near KKH!!!

2007-01-12T15:33:00.000+08:00

after our night shift that other day, my i/c and i went to little india for breakfast! i was so thrilled!!! cuz i had not been there for a long time! its thosai time!! we had 4 each! and it was still as 맛 있는 (tasty) as ever! we had indian ginger tea too. =)

after long chat and yummy food we each head off for home. then.... YP remembered that we had not paid for our ginger tea!! she rushed back to pay and the uncle was so kind as not to scream at her for running off without pay $1.40!!! =P apparently he did call out for us but we continue to walk without turning back! haha... imagined if we had run instead of walk off!!! haha!!!

it damn funny!! if YP had not returned to pay up, uncle might tell the KKH staff (cuz they always go there for meals!) and the tale will then float to CGH...AH...TTSH...SGH!!! SGH nurses drink and flee!!! haha... all for only $1.40!!! hahaha... =P oh... come to think of it... i had not pay YP 70 cents for the drink!!!

nights out - working.. ^-*

2007-01-10T18:52:00.000+08:00

this is my err... 3 or 4th set of night shift. the previous few was a time of adjusting to the workload during the night. learning what time to do what and what sort of preparation prior to the shift and stuff like these.

but what makes night shift different from the 2 other shift is that it gives me opportunity to talk to my senior and learn more from them. on the normal day shift we are always preoccupied by call-bells and changes and various arrangements for procedures. in night shift while tidying up the documents and doing work we can still talk a little cuz most patient will be more quiet and less 'demanding' of cuz since there isn't any relatives around to ask for updates we can be relatively be more relax.

i had learnt alot from my senior this night shift. she is so experience and so so so... willing to share; things that i had not learn from my preceptor and from school. from what i learnt from her, i can only imagine her high standard she had for all her preceptees. secretly i envy her preceptees. no wonder they turn out to be such outstanding individuals.

seniors that i love to work with but they enjoy sharing their laughter and vast knowledge/ experience are: (not in order) SQ, LW, YP, PC, CK, YS. looking at the list i realised they are all chinese! omg... am i racist or is the other non-chinese senior racist?! o_O?! out of the 6, 3 are not with us in the ward anymore. but but... i had yet to learn all that i could!! i wish i will grow to be like them- knowledgable and fast! but =( sadly i fear that i might eventually have to part with YP and YS. YP might transfere out to other places/ duties, as for YS... i might be placed to other teams if so i that will means not having the opportunity to work with her together. as for SQ... we hardly work together but everything being in the same team with her had been a great working experience and eye-opener session!

btw did u spot me on tv? haha... a friend saw it but unbearable to lie that i look pretty on tv, she said "hey, saw u on tv! u look so natural!" haha... nice way to put it huh? ^_^

picking up the pace

2007-01-05T23:20:00.000+08:00

after the upset blog entry i decided to be a little happier. when to "poh kim" and wasted 60++ bucks! i sort of regerted it but if i had went off to rent those show it will be cheaper but... i have to run all the way to bt panjang to rent and later to return. just paying a little more will make it easier and allows me to keep it. so i psyco myself that its ok. =P

NIP TUCK is back on TV5!! every monday @ 10pm. YIPPPEEE..... YA YA YO!!! =9~~ i love the show! =)

a BAD BAD BAD day to mark the 1st week of 2007!!

2007-01-04T20:16:00.000+08:00

start the year right? well, mine did not start of on a very right note. =( i was working through the entire new year holidays. =( making it worst, patient admitted during this period aren't the easiest to deal with! of cuz, it makes perfect sense right? if one is not too well but still can stand it, who would want to spend their holidays in a hospital?

being the ever so optimistic person, tough work and demanding patients can never kill my passion in work and people but .... but.... recently something happened. it affected me so bad that i was thinking of forging MC the next day in order to 'escape' from a reality that i am not willing to face. yes... its a regarding work...

if you had been reading my blog, you will hear me grumble about patients but never about co-workers. but today i am going to do just that. (what a way to start my 2007's 1st blog entry!!)

i will call my co-worker D. D and i 1st got to know each other during our school-attachment time. i never like working with her. reason being that i find her a bit selfish and i can never communicate with her. maybe i had never tried enough? i think its the chemistry... we just can't click. i grumbled to my friends the day i knew that we are in the same workplace. the cool chaps told me to take it easy and reminded me that its alright, just treat her professionally as a co-worker; no need to be friends. i know myself, it tough... cuz i am not that sort of person.

so the fateful day came when we have to work in partnership. the entire morning was crazy! i was sponging and trolley-showering those bed-ridden patients. totaling up to...

5 sponging
4 trolley bath
5 tube feeding
1 dressing and
spent another precious 30 mins coaxing 1 old lady to try to eat her oats!

of course, i am not saying that she had it easier than me. she had done...

9 toilet showering
4 hypocount
served diet
assist in 1 procedure (~30-40mins)
4 tube feeding
took 4-6 tubes of bloods

looking at the list, it seems like i had indeed been skiving huh? maybe that what she had thought as well. thus when the clock strike 12.30pm, when the evening shift girls came in, i had just barely completed my last trolley bath (gosh!! the patient is mega big size lor... imagine me x1.5 ADL total dependent!!) i was dead tired and worn out only to realise that all my charts had not been updated at all!!! and we got to pass over report (change shift) already!! the afternoon girl was chasing for the charts as she too need to do her work. but i had yet to update the charts!!! when i say yet to update, i meant from as early as 8am in the morning!!! *faint* in my mad rush to complete my charts i had to make sure i complete my 2pm tube feeding for 4 patients! how?!?!?! in the end, i told the afternoon girl (a friend) to take the chart 1st and i will update when i done with my feeding. thankfully she agreed!

rushing for time, i prepare all of my 4 patients' feeds together. it doesn't harm the patients at all but certainly not the right practise in terms of protocol and standard. but damn those inflexible shit! i am pressing for time and my patients are hungry!!! if a person is dying do we still go by the procedure of 1st this than that?! damn it... if we ask the instructors their answers will be YES!! cuz it is to ensure this and that shit. *faint* so... (like how Uncle R said) lets cut to the chase... i was CAUGHT BY a CI!! she spoke to our ward nurse turn CI and asked her to speak to me. spoke to me she did but the thing was... CI-trainee understood the mad rush and tried to understand what and why before telling me off. (that's what a good and real CI ought to do!!)

when i told her what was going on, i felt like tearing!!! really it was the 1st time in my entire working life!! although i didn't work for 20-30 years but at least i never had to face this sort of oppression in my life!! yes... i had been quite a blessed kid since day 1 of my existance.

the good show came after the mad rush! our manager called our team in and asked us how was it working in the new arrangement where both the room's jr ought to help each other. while the other replied ok, i replied i don't know. honestly if i did want to be a bitch i could have done that but since i decided to take up the Cross and be in this line, i rather not be an aggressive bitch. it was nearly 3.30pm when left the manager's room. my in-charge had a crazy day too discharging patients now she had to stay back to do post discharge audits; meaning she can't leave yet. i still have my charts to update so i can't too. so... i walk back to the rooms and alas! the students were doing their 3pm parameters!!! that means i got to wait till they are done to get my hand on the charts!!! i can't wait!!! the students are so slow!!! so i ended up taking parameters for the afternoon staff!! *faint*

Ms D came out and in her sweet dainty voice asked me "don't want to go home huh?" my reply? "i still got charts to update" i answered with a dark long face accompanied with angry tone and walk past her. i think she left after that but like i said i stay back to update my charts, took my 1st meal of the day at 4.45pm and shower.

i needed a friendly face. so i went to meet my dear ex-company people for dinner. i was dog-tired and was having a bad headache but the thought of meeting some nice people drove me to spend $$ to get cab to Jurong just for a dinner! when i got home, the headache had gotten worst so did the tiredness. after washing up i rested in bed and tried to watch some of my favourite drama to get some joy but it didn't help. so when my hubby asked me how was my day, the taps in my eyes started running. i whine and said i don't want to go to work tommorrow and how i was 'bully'. i think the whine was make worst after meeting my ex-company people cuz if i had stayed i would probly still be happy-go-lucky and happily minding my own projects while doing favors-helping out with other's projects.

ask me if i have regret leaving my ex-job for this career... i will still say NO. i still love the work but having lovable and nice people to work with is a bonus bonus bonus....

2006-12-26T15:27:00.000+08:00

PS-u might need a little Bible knowledge to understand some of the examples i qoute

One of the new addition to our family took my palms (not the electronic one hor!!!) and attempted to read my 'destiny' last night. she said that i can't wish for too much in life. nothing is perfect in life. i can't expect a great family along with career and blah blah blah. wow! i was taken quite a bit by a Christian telling me that! ok, she is a 1st generation believer and had a grandma that was involved in such practises but err...

although i am not a very good debater for my faith, i had always kept my anchor in Christ and had been steadfast in my walk (haha... that's the BB motto u know! i was a BB officer-trainee in my poly days wor...) so i rebuke those negative sayings and comments! afterall Sarah had her loving hubby and a great son in her later years wat! even for Hana, although she wept and was scorned for being childless, the Lord saw her woes and poured out His love to her and granted her a son that later became one of the greatest man in the Bible!! there was also John who too was born to his aged mummy. i believe God is the creater and the author of my life. He will pour fro His blessing regardless of... a verse goes this way... its say that God knows of the desire of my heart even before i utter it. now that i had utter it and proclaimed his promise unto my life, no amount of waviering should shake my believe in His love and promise. =)

oh cuz, i am not blaming mrs 'new-addition'. after all righteous Job had his own share of doubt and negative comments during the time when he was struck with some weird skin disease, had his wealth and fortune lost almost overnight and his family killed. Job wept and even cursed the day that he was born! his good friends even said things that discourage him. like a deer in the mountain, Job stood sure-footed in God and his rewards at the end of the testing was plentiful! more than what he had own perviously. i am sure my GOd is good... and all the time He is Good!! =>

its Xmas!!!

2006-12-25T18:32:00.000+08:00

this is my first Xmas as a nurse and thankfully i am not on duty this wonderful festival season! i think my sister had schedule me in the day that i may have my 1st Xmas as a nurse with my family. so... i am really thanksfully for that! =)

so what did i do on my precious off day?! oh well.... u won't believe it!!! i was on night for three days and on the Xmas-eve, my sleeping day... i was literally SLEEPING my entire day away! by the time i woke up its already XMAS!!! argh.... i had waste that night away! i remembered years before i was still partying my Xmas eve away in some club downtown. drinking myself silly with my peers or simply attending parties at my friends' and chatting til we faint due to laughter overdose! hahaha.... but ... this time... *faint* i had SLEPT SLEPT SLEPT thru it all.

i wonder what will my CHINESE NEW YEAR be like. will i be working!? the fact is i had told my hubby that i rather be working on that day cuz i won't have to go and visit my relatives and give HONG BAO!!! haha... so if u r thinking of getting some from me THINK LONG LONG LONG LONG.... hahaha....

ok done! this is my encounter for this 2006 Xmas! =) cheers and have a merry, blessed year ahead my dear friends!!! =)

r u a nurse?

2006-12-18T21:15:00.000+08:00

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell??
It took her two weeks to realise she wasn't at work!

You may be a nurse if.....

You believe that every patient needs TLC...Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system some night in a dark alley.
You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and hospital pillowcases.And their presents are wrapped with Micropore tape.
You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.
When asked by the doctor what color that patient's diarrhoea was, you show them your shoes. If they missed your shoes, you use thewell-known"poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.
You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.
You use cathether bags to drip water onto your plants when you're on holiday.
You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays.
You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throws up.
You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing.
You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car journey.
Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.
You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"
You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to shout if they need help.
Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.
Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the day yourself.Or if nightshift, the month.
You find yourself checking ou other customers' veins in supermarket queues.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and are not embarrassed when you wake up..
You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop dead near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for a tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.
You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and realise you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...
You pull over in a layby after working nights because you are too tired to drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.
Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
You've seen more penises than any prostitute.
You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, it'sjust to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental state!!! hahaha... =_='''

noisy hateful neighbour

2006-12-14T09:01:00.000+08:00

my neighbour living just below me, hates me! they complaint that we drag our tables and chairs in the middle of the night causing them to lose sleep. what can we do to solve this problem?
1- buy a roller-chair ---> no money
2- sleep as early as them i.e. 10 or 11pm ---> sometime i reach home at only 11pm!!!
3- move to a ground floor ---> even no money still!!!
4- to h*@& with their complaints ---> cannot! wait they sue to civil court, how? i want to be good neighbour to them too! even if i don't go around "hello, how are u"!! =_=

its really a shitty idea to live in an old estate's new flat. why? cause the people you live with are the oldies and you are the younger one. the oldies are very sensitive to noisy and smell and whatever not but the younger ones tend to live day by the hour (or day). they oldies sleep and raise early while ME sleep and raise late. the oldies spend their day in the house watching ??? (time passes by? tv? lizards on the wall?) and i work.

lets examin 1 of the differences: to them life is a routine, to me life is able enjoyment.

routine is ...
7.30am - wake up, prepare breakfast for family and see everyone leave for school/ work,
8-10am - wash clothes, clean the house a little and tidy the beds
10am - stroll the market and buy whatevernot. (for healthy walking oldies only)
10.30-11am - return home and pack everything away.
12pm- warm up leftovers and eat for lunch
12-3.30pm - nap/ stare at the wall-clock, wondering when are rest coming home/ watch tv/ daze/ space out/ read newspaper and ponder abt life or what the heck is the youngster vandaling the world into and think of the "good old days" where there were no such thing as washing machine!
3.30-4.30pm - final check on the housecleaning and bring in the laudry and finish whatever that needs to be done
4.30-6.30pm - start preparing dinner while thinking of topics to talk to the family when they return (afterall everyone has a certain qouta of words to be spoken a day! if not met will result in sever mental-unwellness!)
6.30-8.30pm - talk to family members of his/her day (however often negatively recieved and labelled as NAGGY)
9.30-10.30pm - glue to the tv to follow the latest HongKong/ Taiwan/ Korean drama (bless the wonderful tv station that helps to distract these oldies for at least that 1 hour!!)
10.30-11pm - already fast asleep for some while for others they will talk (or NAG/ GRUMBLE) somemore to their son/daughter/grandchildren
11pm - NIGHTS OUT!!! (got a long day tommorow leh...)

enjoyment (at least to me) is...
(on a typical noon shift day)
7.30am - huh?! o_O? pls i can afford a little more sleep! can those auntie hang their bamboos out softer!? what a din! i can't even sleep!!
10-10.30am - good morning world! =) i have enough sleep and i feel ready to face the day. breakfast?
10.30-12pm - wash up, iron clothes, get ready for work
12.35-9.30pm - mad rush at work. (not forgetting skipping lunch/ dinner) but i must say there are enjoyment and woes on a different % spread daily (now that's the excitement of my work!)
9.50pm-10.30pm- go home from work (ON A LUCKY AND LITE DAY!)
**11/12mn - go home from work (on a "i duno why i am so busy" day! ='( *sad*)
XXX- 1.30/2am - wash up, destress/ disengage (A MUST!! IF NOT THE NEXT PSY pt WILL BE ME!!!) via blogging, watching drama/ videos clips, reading emails, surfing internet, blah blah blah
2am - sleep

so u see... both the oldies and me have abt the same span of hours spend awake doing things. but our timing is way off! mine start and ends at least 3 hours after theirs! and within that 3 hours lots of conflicts can happen!!! argh!!!!!!

will someone please advise me? please remember there is 1 commandment that states "thou shall not KILL!!" haha... but then again, if u offer to do the job sweet, smooth and cheap, i might consider! hahaha.... =p

nike sale!

2006-12-09T16:54:00.000+08:00

it reads nike year end sale, 15-17 Dec
friday-from 12noon to 8.30om
sat/sun-from 10am-6pm
location-s'pore expo hall 6b
mode of payment-cash, nets, masters/visa

*items sold are non-refunable nor exchanged
*no bogs allowed inside hall.

kimchi tonight. =)

2006-12-07T21:34:00.000+08:00

grabbed from MR WD on http://tokcock-singsong.blogspot.com/

after reading his recent update on his dinner at this place, i really wanted to try it. so day and night since i read his blog, i had been bugging people to go with me to try out the food. haha... were u 1 of those that i had been bothering? =P

anyway, tonight i finally went. gosh!!! it was pricey!!! =( but i like the kimich w pork soup that we ordered. it was the korean version of tom yam soup!! haha!!! cuz it was spicy and sour!! haha... my hubby found it totally weird and swear never to drink it again! =P while i happily finished it. =)) the other dish that we had was the fried prawn and spring oinon pancake. i don't quit like it initially but after having a few pieces, it quite nice. the BBQ beef was my hubby only favourite but i don't think much of it. it wasn't quite the level of taste i was expecting it to be. =(

in the end we paid 70+. pricey huh? i think i will visit it again with my other friends. my hubby isn't very keen with korean's food cuz of the spicy taste. he is more japanese in his eating (simple and blander) and he simply adores japan! the people, weather, cultures blah blah blah... so i was joking with him that we should split for our next holiday, he to japan and me to korea! haha... he gave me that stern look and continued eating. =P

new inventions!

2006-12-05T23:13:00.000+08:00

from a email that my friends sent me. =) interesting and does makes some sense too!

grumbling...settling for the 2nd best?

2006-12-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

after 3 days of night shift, i am mentally and physically drained. there were these 3 patients that was ever demanding for attention.

patient A toned down by the 2nd night. she was even helpful and considerate! when the patient next to her get unreasonable, she could even 'calm' me down by grumbling about that person like as if she was standing on myself. haha... that was so nice of her. then there was another patient that i was angry and felt sad for all at the same time. she must had been a nice and chrippy old lady as she aged but diabetic took control of her and make her lost her limbs. sinking into depression and resigning to fate, she simply degenerates into a kid! screaming for attention and doing things that she knew very well not to be done! when scold she felt gulity and ashamed. but i just can't help it scolding her, her actions were like a kid and when i reasoned with her she just kept quiet and look guilty. but she will do it again. finally when i realised reasoning doesn't goes through to her, i restore to scolding her and telling her "if she does this then i will do that". no no... i didn't whack or slap her! its like disciplining a kid lar. but i felt bad cuz i don't like treating a woman her age (older than my cutie mummy) like a kid. so humilating, if i was in her shoes. the worst patient was the one that slept the entire daytime only to call "miss miss..." the entire night! pls... nurses have plently to do at night hor!!! the reason for calling for us was for us to shift her body, exercise her legs and to complaint of her pain! for the pain there was that much we could do, we gave her med. and when we call again and again and again, i suggested if she was in so much pain shall i call the doctor to give her a jab instead? she replied "no lar no lar, i don't want to jab. since i had taken the oral med. i will just wait to let it take effect." but she will be calling for us as soon as we leave her bedside! *roarrrrrrrrr* what i hate most was the exercising part! she knew very well that she ought to do her exercises in the morning. but no... when her family members are around she never ask them to help her with those exercises! then at night while she is suppose to sleep do all these funny things.

on the last night of my shift, i quarrelled with her. i remembered she said something that makes me shake with anger!!! so much that i thot if i don't kill her or whack her on the spot i will die of anger!!! of cuz i never hit her lar!!! i walked away from the room and tried to cool myself down with food and drinks. do u know what she said!?!??! "u don't be so guai lan (struck up), u r a nurse hor. so u have to be kind, patient and help me. blah blah blah..." GUAI LAN??? i hate it when my efforts are not recongised! but its ok if u don't praise me or say thank you, but but but... what she said was just 100% not seeing what we had done to help her!!!!!! damn it!!!

lying on a c-class bed for months and months and sucking our taxpayer income tax dry then complaint day and night. is that the kind of people that our welfare is supporting?! if yes, then i suggest that they all be bought to st. john island (like of the yester-years) and let them be!!! ok, i am cruel and total inhuman to say that but... i am just angry at them and at myself.

why can't i be better? why can't i be more patient? why can't i work faster? why can't i reduce their suffering? damn... there is just too much limitation! if only i can be better and render undivided care for all my patients and be with them all the time, things will be better and i will be more satifsy with myself. but.... its only an ideal picture that exist maybe in a perfect world where lions will lie beside deers and not ever think of killing them for food!

so am i settling for the 2nd best in my calling? just working, just earning that income, just being and moving with the flow of life? i need an encounter, a deep encounter with God. *sigh*....

why i became a nurse (double entry from vox)

2006-12-01T10:20:00.000+08:00

in respond to twinstars' and yishan's recent post on their choice of career; i too, want to share how i became a nurse. =) its going to be 1 weepy and lengthy post!

yishan's ambition was a nurse during her kindergarten years. so was mine. on my exercise-book, i drew a nurse and told of a story of how i wish to help people that are sick, get better and make them smile. but my colouring was terrible. cuz my mom didn't sit beside and help me complete it (ya right blame everything on my mummy! =P) and all my white colouring pencils was stained yellow (it always happen and i don't know why!!! argh!!).

as i grew much older, sibling rival set in. my elder sister, the dilligent one in the family, was always in the best class in school. going up on stage during assembly time was like her part-time job!!! receiving prizes, performing plays, going on debates, blah blah blah. i was the witty one, always in trouble. every teacher knew my mom! my mummy would come to school and talk to my teachers almost daily! her favourite sentence to them was "if she is naughty, just cane her! i will even provide the cane!" so naturally my neighbours, relatives and strangers even loved to tell me to behave myself more and learn to be as dilligent as my sister. even the store-keepers at the wet market would tell me tales of how my sister well behave was "she used to hold you by the hand and buy things from me but u will always try to break free and mess up my display. blah blah blah " *puke* (yes, now thinking of it still makes me want to puke!)

when my sister went into an all girls' school, i chose mixed-school for my psle posting! (haha... also my results were not that great to squeeze into an all girls' school! =P) i got in and did a 5yr worth of secondary education. at that point my path and my sister was difting futher apart. it was then, i realised that i can do very well in science while my sister sucks at it! haha... at last!!! something i am better than her! while she needs to memorise everything, i could catch on to a concept and download into my brain real fast. =P i decided to venture into areas that i knew i can do well in! after my Os i went into the 3 month program in a pre-u. i want to do pure science (chemistry) but SHIT! i was an N level kid so my science wasn't PURE! i had no choice but to fall back to poly. =(

in poly, i did chemical process technology. i was proud of myself, cuz i was among the few that was doing pretty well in my maths and all those balancing of equations and calculating of atoms and electrons stuff. (don't ask me now! i can't remember liao! haha...) my friends and i wanted to pursude a degree, post diploma but i had a 3 yr bond to serve. =( cuz i took the government's tution grant. anyway i went on to work, in a paint company. all my sophisticated anlysising skill was not put to good use due to the natural of my work. =( slowly i lose faith in my strength! my other friends (those that seek my help in school) were doing much better than me, dealing with more high-end machines and given better opportunity while i was... *sigh*

there was a trying period of seeking God and searching for the real calling in my life. and as i always joked- 1 day i got a phone call from God and He said "esther go be a nurse!" although the phone-call was unreal, the calling was real. at the same time SMCP opened, i was given a 2nd chance. =) (JESUS IS A GOD OF 2ND CHANCES, as my pastor always say) so... here i am ... fufilling my childhood dream (maybe it was a dream that God implanted into me since i was born?!) and answering my calling in life.

i have no idea if i will indeed move to other countries or do mission-medical aid as i had always told my friends. but i think i am open to go wherever He will lead me. =) this is my lengthy story. so interesting, right? =))

another blog

2006-11-27T22:52:00.000+08:00

i have another blog in vox.com, introduced to me by my colleagues. we have a ward blog there so we were encourage to sign up for an account there and join in as private members for that blog. where outing and informal annoucements are blogcasted. =)

so for some entry i will double post it here in blogspot and at vox. if u r interested the my site is

my vox site

wat do u wake up for every morning...

2006-11-26T15:37:00.000+08:00

there was this video that i watched on utube that titled "what do u wake up for every morning" its was a clip of the guy's son and wife. wat was his reason to wake up every morning- to see his son's smile and to kiss him, to hug his wife and stuff like that.

then 1 day i woke up in a daze, staring at the ceiling i too questioned myself what do i wake up to every morning? on the days where i need to work, i wake up to go to work on time, seeing my patients and working with my co-workers. but on my off days, the house is quiet and all i can think of is housework, ironing and cooking. i really dislike those. so i will sleep a little more and then in the attempt of escaping from all those boring tasks, i watch dramas and surf the net.

i pity my hubby. he comes home from work still need to help with the housework. while i simply bo-chap (heck-care) those stuff. *sigh*

i guess the different between an average person and a successful person is their focus point. successful people have their focus fixed on something and strive towards it even if they had to do things that they may dislike. while an average person (like me) lost focus too easily. when facing obstacles, i tend to siam (dodge) till i have no choice but to do it. =(

so back to the point... what do u/i wake up for every morning??? i have yet to find out... *sigh* hopefully 2007 will not be wasted away... =(

school branding

2006-11-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

its the time of the year again, where all primary schools get their 'report books'. which primary school is value-added? which produces the highest passing percentage? and which school did the scholar of the year comes from?

since the idea of branding the school came about in the last 5-7 yrs, lots of teachers had raised their concern for the student learning quality. what do we expect of our singapore-raised children? for them to be studies-smart in spotting questions, scoring exams or for them to have a well-rounded educational system where they are allow to be creative and explore the world for themselves?

putting the noble idea of educating the children aside, had we spared a thought to the poor teachers? as much as they wish to cut those raw stones into diamonds, they too faces pressure from all over!

a dear friend of mine had been sort of pushed to the edge by her boss over the project "branding the school". she is so depressed by the entire issue that she is even thinking of quitting her job! gosh... i know this issue of teachers being overloaded and sinking into depression! cuz i am a nurse and i had been posting to different hospitals. i had seen teachers (seniors and juniors alike) receiving treatment for mental wellness. they are not crazy!!! but they face too much stressors in their scope of work. *sigh* what had the world become? had we all lost that sense of purpose and life?

for some self-righteous bosses, their answer to my 'childish' presentation will be ... its a jungle out there! its the survival of the fittest! if u rn't the best, to prepared to be devoured.

i call that evil and greed. i call that unGodly and shameful! i shall wait to see on the day of the grand judgment, what will the Almighty (the Father to the fatherless, the pillar of the weak) say to these people who oppress! will He too agree with them?

since earth is just a 'small town' we need to journey for the next 50-60yrs of our eternity, i would rather remain childlike in my faith and suffer if i had too. cuz in the end of this trip, where i will face Him face to face, i know there won't be anymore blaming and belittling! =)

i wish my dear friends, u will see beyond the now and the sadness into the future and the jubilee at the end of the tunnel.

bless U...

K-drama that i am watching now...

2006-11-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

yes yes... i am watching Ireland now. i wonder why i had not bought this set!?? it had been out for ages!! err...maybe i its the overwhelming popularity of Hyun Bin that put me off?? don't know lar. but but but... after knowing that Kim Min Joon shi is in it, i nearly fell off my chair! he is such a cool chap! =P~~~ had u watched Damo and Lovers in Prague? oh oh... he is such an alpha male! heheee... http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Kim_Min_Joon

Damo - short clip

ok, apart from the casting, the main reason for me following this drama is that the storyline is great. sometime i just can't help falling in love and hate the same character all at once! hard to explain but its really a good show.

so... if u have this set of drama and don't mind entrusting it to me for a few good days... =) i would love to loan it from u. =))

going back to school?

2006-11-22T22:56:00.000+08:00

i like learning new things. things that tickles my mind or allows me to explore into new areas of interest. my current job as a nurse provides all these! (yes, i am in a happy mood. =))

facing 13 different patients with 13 different diagnosis compels me to dig up a little more. what are the different test orders, why and how are they carried out. facing patients of different discipline also borden my scope of understanding. although i do have times hating all the different stuff that we need to complete within a short short time, with some great help things are still managable so far. =)

dinner tonight

2006-11-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

we went to this special and suppose to be a really good place for dinner tonight. its called "capital resturant" near chinatown. they have this hairy crab set meal for $40++ per head. so we went.

i do like crab once a while but not a big fan of it. but hairy crab? its hairy whatelse can i say? its scary just thinking of it. but i thot what the heck, just try it. so it came, hairy as it is. its legs were all hairy (not very but still hairy) then its pincers are covered with this layer of thick black hair!!! at 1st i thot it was burned or something but when i realised its all hair i nearly fainted! i don't want any of those hair touching my lips, man!

here's a picture of hairy crab i got from the net, its not as scary looking but having seen one and touched it, i doubt i will scream for somemore of it!

then there was another dish that we had, called the deep fried quail. its was crispy and tasted really great! til... i saw a small ball of something on the plate... it was the head of the quail! *faint* its beak, eyes and everything was on it! i felt like i was eating a foetus of a bird (cuz it was so small and its bone was so easily chewed apart). another picture i got from the net, in fact from another blogger - who actually love the deep fried bird

Oishii Eats

weird... i don't mind eating beef, mutton, pork, chicken and fish. maybe its the eyes of those animals that i saw tonight which makes my dinner a really horrifying experience?! =(

nice movies? =)

2006-11-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

a new writer (i think), Aini, asked if i had watched any nice korean movie lately. hmm... well, in fact i did. =) i just finished watching "My mother, mermaid". accidentially i came across "Arahan" and i thot it was pretty cool with its fighting scenes, spiced with jokes here and there.

if u like Jeon Do Yeon in "You are my sunshine" u might like "My mother, mermaid". =) cuz i like her. =)

she hates me and i think i am starting to hate her too!

2006-11-11T09:36:00.000+08:00

had i ever told u that my pXXXer hates? she is always giving me 'faces' to see. what is not my fault she also want to nail me! if the person admitting the pt didn't put up the consultant's name and the language spoken, what fault is it of mine that its not up there? just because i am on night? hello.... u r on morning with at least 3 ite students and 3 pca-trainees and hca-trainees! surely they can do something so simply?! 2 persons caring for 20 pt on night is not very light, ok?! plus its my 1st night slot without someone to guide me!

after a long night toiling in sweat, 7am arrived. everyone is busy passing report and the pt tot since there are so many person standing at the enterance of the room surely they are very free. thus call bells for gargle, toilet, shower, blah blah blah flows in. they have no idea its just me handling their request (which ought to be carried out by the morning girls!) argh!!! while handling such request (toileting needs), i hold back a neb dose for a pt. reason for it is that the pt had already 2 dose in the past 6 hrs, 1 dose late will not kill her. plus she isn't wheezing anymore! on the way back from the toilet with my pt, i saw that my dear PXXXer was looking at me with that disdained look, from the corner of her eyes. i hate that sort of look!!! F@#UY.

as if that was not enough.... a sis (i'll call her S2), come along and try to nail me for this and that! SHIT!!! she had been trying to nail me from day1!!! WHY!??! WAT HAD I DONE TO ANGRY THE M-SHIT? I AM NOT ANTI THEM BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME!? so what happened was S2 in her gentle manner called me and asked for the whereabout of an equipment that i have no idea why it was. i checked the entire ward during my night and it remains lost. til a SSN told S2 that it had alreayd been returned. ok, fine... then case 2 (on the same day-after my night shift) S2 came and ask me why the pt's teaching wasn't done. the fact was i was trying to look for the file during my night to finish it but it was not around. if the other senior staff had been doing such things why nail the young ones to kill?! F#*$ anyway, the same SSN came to my help and explained that she was the one that did the teaching and she did complete the doc. why it was gone remains unknown. so that shut the S2's mouth shut. (initially i din like SSN but i think she is ok lar. as a friend maybe not as a co-worker?!) case 3-S2 came to make rounds in the rooms and said this and said that. so i got to clear this and clear that lor...

basically after a long long night... nobody cares if u had worked hard, (some people) they just want to question u this and that to make u feel bad and know who's the boss around.

i hate these people. but i like this SSN that i had worked with these nights. she is nice, i want to be her friend. =) its nice to network with powerful people? hmm... must go and check out if my in-laws' and those doctor friends, if they know any ADN or some big shots! then i will prevent getting bully and buttered again and again!

footnote- SOME PEOPLE JUST REFUSE TO ANCKNOWNLEGE THAT WE ARE NEW AND NEED TIME TO LEARN AND DISGEST AND INTERNALISE THOSE NEW INFORMATION! THESE PEOPLE ARE PLAIN IDIOTS!
YES IDIOTS! AND YES ... I AM ANGRY!

i am listening to....

2006-11-09T14:35:00.000+08:00

recently i am listening to this Vivian Hsu's album and my favourite this is song "so-so" i like the music and oh! the dance is hot! but honestly, i think she can't really sing! haha... but still she is pretty so who cares?! haha...

its all the same

2006-11-09T13:57:00.000+08:00

what makes a date special? its the memories that comes along with it, right? but strip all those away a date is just a number which bear no meaning at all isn't it?

why do people celebrate birthday with the birthday boy/girl? celebration of life? hmm... don't know since when, i started to think otherwise. birthday is not a day to celebrate the living or the birth of the child but it should be a day to give thanks for the woman who went thru the dangers and pains of labor to delivery the child out into the world. so instead of partying the day away with friends celebrating our existence, i think its only right to treat our parents for dinner or spend the entire day with them. afterall the process isn't just 2 hours in the delivery suit but it starts as early as 24-36 hours before the actual action! all those contraction and the fear that comes along with the bursting of 'water-bag" and stuff. phew... thinking of it makes me sweat!

yesterday was my 3rd wedding anniversary. no flower, no fancy dinner. but honestly i am fine with it. cuz i think while flowers are pretty to look at but having to take care of it can be really something. no fancy dinner means that i can wear anything i like and eat anything i like. just being together, i think that is fine and good enough for me. but i must admit there are differences between us. there had been doubts on why i bother to get married in the 1st place and there are worries for the future but generally speaking i am glad i am married with a man that loves me dearly. although i had yet to mature enough to be prefect, i am glad God bless me with me with him to care for me. =) Yes... its yet another day/ date for giving thanks. =)