my spiritual growth

1 pastor had ever said that if you are not growing spiritually then you are back-sliding... not that you no longer worship God but rather you are sliding backwards. there is not such thing as being stagnant in the kingdom of God. you are either going up or going down.

looking back i realised that my growth trend is as posted. constantly going down with a small spike upwards somewhere along the line. but the spike was not long enough to substain me and i fall even lower! maybe because i had been sanking for too long...far too long for me to remember the joy and passion of worshipping God.

not that i had never questioned myself why, i did! 2 things i realised are:

#1) i am search for that passionate love that i once experience but i am not experiencing anymore! maybe my love with God had moved into committement but i am still hook on the passionate love?! i refuse to settle with committed love with Jesus so i search high and low and did all things to get that passionate feeling back but... to no avail... so i sank... (maybe its a time of waiting upon the Lord? but i have no idea, not then...not now... :'( ...sigh...)

#2) cuz i had married?! maybe i have a visual image of how a married woman should behave and that was holding me back from freely expressing my love for God? but how can a married woman (whom in the eyes of the world ought to be mature, proper and serious) be still so siao siao and always out trying new things and hanging out with people!?

recently i am slowing climbing back up... i believe because there are people praying for me and at the same time i have sort of clear my clustered mind of its rubbish. hopefully i can substain this upward movement for a long time and break thru new heights. =)

i have found new excitment in church! ya... i have expressed my desire to serve in the creative ministry-video! it sound exciting and i think i will enjoy capturing the joy and passion others have in worshipping the One person that they love most...Jesus... and i believe that will certainly move me... i am a very observant person, you see... =)

finally a really smile... gleaming from my heart outwards onto my facial muscles, sparkling through my eyes... =) *happy*