cloudy mind

today isn't a good day at all. after a long break back to work, hands are a little stiff and reactions are super duper slow! i hate that feeling. although i am caring for less patients, ys (caring 2x more pt than me) was helping me out! shit!! i felt so useless! =( need someone to shake me into shape! must wake up my idea!!! damn it...

terrible -1
i debated within if i wanted to post my "anger" of this person online. well, i guess its ok. this person let me call her A. everytime being around her makes me feel like she is deliberating making me feel "belittled" and showing that she is very smart. but i honestly think she is very 自做聪明 or at least think she THINKS she is very "tough/ smart". eg. i pass to her this thing abt hmm... an appt. :

scene 1-
me: "so the appoint is going to be done at ABC center and it will be on 30/2/07. please make sure patient is nil by mouth and plug needed."

A: "so the patient going for the appointment. must insert plug and nil by mouth right? (tone of voice is very important!!! hers was a tone of 'hey do u know!??!')"

me: "ya." (mental note- tot i mentioned to u liao?! what the f* man!!)

scene 2-
me: "patient is K+ is low. but its not too bad lar. told the on-call already. nil order"

A: "what?!?! nil order?! i must call to scold him liao! how can?!"

me: (mental note- scold!? wow... must be damn cool to watch how she scold the Dr!!)

A: (on the phone) so this patient is having low K+ what do you want to order? (tone is again very important! the tone and the level of voice was hardly even stern in my view!! she ought to hear how $$ call the on-call!! wow!! that is REAL POWER!!)

because of these accumulative experiences with her, i associate her with an ex-classmate. talk big, act clever and work so-so only. hmmm... put it this way; i don't really like her. but since she don't seems to "give face" to me or like me i DON'T THINK I NEED TO LIKE HER LOR!! the feeling is sama-sama, ba.

terrible - 2
its again feelings!!! wonder if i am having my PMS! hahaha... bed 9 was d/c and since ys was not around to answer the call from the drug store. i took the call. bed 9's dr had ordered the same old meds for her so in order not to waste, mei asked if bed 9 still has those at home? i went over to ask bed 9, wow!!!!!!! SHE FLARED @ ME!! darn... wats her problem idiot!! anyway long story short... i think she dislike me, as usual i don't need to like her either (but i don't hate her lar). *pui*

terrible - 3
dad is hospitalised for S.O.B. in KL. mom was informed and she wanted to ask if i was able to go to KL with her to visit him. i didn't feel anything abt him being hospitalised, maybe somewhere deep there hurts had been released but love that never exist could never be restored. (right? if there is nothing there, how to restore leh?)

then the question popped up in my mind. what if he pass away or is diagnosed to have X amt of time. what will i do? or what will the entire family do? simply attend the funeral? care for him for the last days? who or which side will decide on the last procedures e.g.-DNR.? what sort of coffin? shit like that. honestly i don't know!!!

if we do, the hurt that was imposed on the family was terrible. were we all to exercise forgiveness to such an extreme?! (wow!! really like turning the other side of the face to be slap sia!) or should we let him rot in whoever that is/are willing to clean his shit!? then appear to be so cold and unforgiving (afterall that ur father leh... in my mom's direct quote). then assuming we get past that stage, @ the funneral do we invite the "unorthodoxs" be part of the family in the ritual and shit (thank God i am a Christian!) or host them as guests or ban them totally?! damn with all those crazy decision needed to be made! or will we even care enough to host the funneral or simply burn him and chuck him somewhere in a temple or sort? hahah... and then the will!! the money!! the properties?!?! and maybe even the debts?!?!

see lar... man are nothing but shitload of problem for others! idiots!!!

terrible - 4 ...5....6.....7....8....9....10 (list continue)

but then again, who the f* don't have problems leh?! its on our own to handle and see what sort of solutions to come up with, right?

(WARNING!! crap ahead)
could the reason for govt. push for creativity thinking be due to the nation's lack of creativity problem-solving thus leading to increase in depression, substance-abuses and suidical cases?! hmm...