words that heals, words that hurts

had a long rest. maybe it was too long, my mind started to wonder about and start giving me weird weird dreams! had 1 regarding my ex-secondary friends. had 1 regarding a family member's funneral. woke up feeling a little unsettled so gave a call to my family members and then visited them.

because the fact of death seems to real in my dream. i was getting worried. what if i didn't manage to bring her to Christ before her leaving us? so when i mentioned why doesn't she come to believe in Christ now? she chilled me. the issue of 'giving money to God' is always her sore point. honestly i don't see what's wrong with the way i handle my money? why is she so sore over it? not as if i don't contribute to her! *heartache*

then someone mentioned to go for lunch at this 'cheap' place. and so we were joking that who is going to give the treat. i jokely said mummy is going to treat me. she replied back saying "why don't u just go to the place and pray for your God to pay? i treated u to a vegetable roll liao". i was really upset with the way she reacts everytime when its about money. so i replied, "why can't u treat me? every month i give u X amount all i get is a vegetable roll?! while someone else gives u X+ amount gets to get eat dinner at ur place everyday, even to the point of home delievery!" and her reply to me was "well, she contributes buys those meats/ vegetables here" gosh!! my heart was aching and breaking at that point.

if anything i learnt living under the shadow of a clever sibling was to keep quiet and accept the fact that i will never be seen as good enough in their eyes. at least i was able to be good enough before my HEAVENLY FATHER, as least i can be myself and still be loved. i don't have to work for love nor do this/ that in order to be approved. (that's why i dislike those who love to form me into what they want to see. in the end i am often labelled as 'rebel' or 'attitude')

anyway so i kept quiet. and it ended there. however my heart did not resolve the problem there and then. i heard myself saying "what's the point of feeling for her? so what if she does not believe and end in hell? what's the way she is and that's what she deserve." i remembered a patient's life story of how her daughter hated her cause she never approve her daughter marriage. the daughter went as far as to throw her out of the house and severed their relationship even when the msw tried to contact her. was it the sort of feeling she had felt when her own mother rejected her (decision)?

i was looking for justification to be angry, to be upset, etc. but i was reminded of the greatest love. HE who had loved me despite my rejection, my knowingly rebellious way and my stubborness. so i took a deep breath and told myself "mummy i still love u"