gerontology

the day that i was confirmed by the hospital, i told my dear that i want to major in the care of old people. i told him the reasons, ageing population and the growing trend of the consider for this group of people. and i enjoy caring for cute old aunties. when i joined nursing, a few prophetic words were spoken over me. and i personally felt 1. it said that i will be shedding lots of tears in my nursing career. til now i had yet to shed any, in fact i wonder why had i stopped crying since the age of 23/25. somehow i concluded that my tear ducts are dried that's why.

i just watched a show about alzheimer. i cried tons of tears. if i am rooted to major in gerontology, that is one area that i must understand and care for. patient with alzheimer...they will forget the recent events and eventually everything, in control how to care for themselves. i can't bear the thought of seeing someone wasting away. (i am crying again...) but the wonderful thing is that they won't know the pain of not remembering, only those that remains feel the pain of lossing someone. its a slow, painful process. unlike death, it happens very quickly and after awhile those that remain can slowly pick up their lives and move on again. but alzheimer is like living with a dead person, witness his/her death everyday. because he/she is the someone that bears meaning to your life, you can't 'throw' him/her off somewhere and not care about his/her exsistance but having to care for her is like stabbing yourself in the heart. oh my... am i sure i want to major in this area? am i sure, that is my calling? i am not doubting, i am just fearful if i truely can be what i am called to be. i realised i need God more than ever... i need Him not just to help me pass my tests and make me more critical thinking. but i need Him to give me strength, to know when to let go and to hold on. He holds the future; although i strongly support the idea that everyone should have the right to make their own decision, i believe God is still God...He knows everything... but the thing is that He will not interfer unless asked to.

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a touching letter that the alzheimer patient in the show wrote to her husband::

i am sorry, i am so sorry
i never meant to break your heart.
God, what had i done?
are you crying now?
i don't want to see you crying or in pain.
i wanted to make you happy.
but all i had done is to put you in agony.
Chul-soo! oh my love Chul-sooo.
don't get me wrong.
i only love you, and only you.
i only think of you, i only remember you.
how badly do i want to show you my heart!
is that any way that i can do that while my memory remains?
oh, my heart race!
i, Kim Su-jin love you Choi Chul-soo, only.
i don't want to forget that and i must not!
can you see that?
can you feel my heart?
i am afraid my 'just returned' memory will leave me again...
...before i tell you everything i have to say.
i love you.
and i am sorry.
i met you because i was forgetful.
i am leaving you because i am forgetful.
you were the best thing that ever happened to me.
how thankful i am to God for having sent you as a gift to me.
i don't have to remember you.
you are a part of me...
i smile, laugh and smell just like you do.
i might forget you.
but nothing can drive you out of my body.
although you had never told me, you loved me...
i know deep in my heart that you love me
forgive me for leaving you....please....
for the last time i have a favor to ask...
please see my father...

(the patient's father handed the husband the divorce papers, but the guy refused)

from the movie - a moment to remember (내 머리 속의 지우개)
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