grumbling...settling for the 2nd best?

after 3 days of night shift, i am mentally and physically drained. there were these 3 patients that was ever demanding for attention.

patient A toned down by the 2nd night. she was even helpful and considerate! when the patient next to her get unreasonable, she could even 'calm' me down by grumbling about that person like as if she was standing on myself. haha... that was so nice of her. then there was another patient that i was angry and felt sad for all at the same time. she must had been a nice and chrippy old lady as she aged but diabetic took control of her and make her lost her limbs. sinking into depression and resigning to fate, she simply degenerates into a kid! screaming for attention and doing things that she knew very well not to be done! when scold she felt gulity and ashamed. but i just can't help it scolding her, her actions were like a kid and when i reasoned with her she just kept quiet and look guilty. but she will do it again. finally when i realised reasoning doesn't goes through to her, i restore to scolding her and telling her "if she does this then i will do that". no no... i didn't whack or slap her! its like disciplining a kid lar. but i felt bad cuz i don't like treating a woman her age (older than my cutie mummy) like a kid. so humilating, if i was in her shoes. the worst patient was the one that slept the entire daytime only to call "miss miss..." the entire night! pls... nurses have plently to do at night hor!!! the reason for calling for us was for us to shift her body, exercise her legs and to complaint of her pain! for the pain there was that much we could do, we gave her med. and when we call again and again and again, i suggested if she was in so much pain shall i call the doctor to give her a jab instead? she replied "no lar no lar, i don't want to jab. since i had taken the oral med. i will just wait to let it take effect." but she will be calling for us as soon as we leave her bedside! *roarrrrrrrrr* what i hate most was the exercising part! she knew very well that she ought to do her exercises in the morning. but no... when her family members are around she never ask them to help her with those exercises! then at night while she is suppose to sleep do all these funny things.

on the last night of my shift, i quarrelled with her. i remembered she said something that makes me shake with anger!!! so much that i thot if i don't kill her or whack her on the spot i will die of anger!!! of cuz i never hit her lar!!! i walked away from the room and tried to cool myself down with food and drinks. do u know what she said!?!??! "u don't be so guai lan (struck up), u r a nurse hor. so u have to be kind, patient and help me. blah blah blah..." GUAI LAN??? i hate it when my efforts are not recongised! but its ok if u don't praise me or say thank you, but but but... what she said was just 100% not seeing what we had done to help her!!!!!! damn it!!!

lying on a c-class bed for months and months and sucking our taxpayer income tax dry then complaint day and night. is that the kind of people that our welfare is supporting?! if yes, then i suggest that they all be bought to st. john island (like of the yester-years) and let them be!!! ok, i am cruel and total inhuman to say that but... i am just angry at them and at myself.

why can't i be better? why can't i be more patient? why can't i work faster? why can't i reduce their suffering? damn... there is just too much limitation! if only i can be better and render undivided care for all my patients and be with them all the time, things will be better and i will be more satifsy with myself. but.... its only an ideal picture that exist maybe in a perfect world where lions will lie beside deers and not ever think of killing them for food!

so am i settling for the 2nd best in my calling? just working, just earning that income, just being and moving with the flow of life? i need an encounter, a deep encounter with God. *sigh*....