affected...yet again (warning-long entry)

a few months ago, i was still saying to keep my distance from those patients and relatives so that i won't be hurt by those 'double-headed' shits. they who smile and praise u only to turn their back and complaint to the boss about u. that was a difficult time for me, cuz i trusted in humanity and people's goodness and kindness. but after crying out to God of my 'suffering' and those distraction, He had heard my prayers. i regained my passion for people and i felt my love double and joy tripled for the patients and sometime family. still there are trying times but generally beyond my grumbles, i love where i am and the destiny i am walking in... cuz His yoke is light and easy to bear. =)

so if i am happy, why am i affected... yet again?! how can we love if we don't connect? recently after being posted back to my previous team for a few days here and there, i grew attached to a few grannies (ah ma). not that i found them cute or funny but simply just love-able. mind you! they can be really naughty! pulling out plugs, tubes and climbing out of beds! but after talking to them and having them responded to me makes me happy. they are not so 'crazy' afterall! they understand and listen to logic. the reason for their 'naughty' behaviour was either pain, anixety or err... boredom?!

1 of the granny, Ng, passed away this break of dawn, while i was on shift. normally i don't do packing but why this case happened during mine? i have no idea but i guess it was her final goodbye and thank u to me?

ah ma;
she was 'branded' to be on the path of passing off, it was a matter of time-medically. it was what the dr and nurses felt. she tricked death a few times by having really low blood pressure or suddenly desaturate in her oxygen level. but she always pull thru. although she can look weak and fragile, her pulse was often strong and steady. =( while she was still in the 'awake' mode- able to understand us and talk, days/ weeks before, i fed her dinner. after dinner, she said "is this the best meal ever for these days. i will have no regret dying now" my reply to her "no lar. rubbish, u won't die so fast one lar"

she seems well except for her on-off drowsiness and restlessness. because she complaint of very very bad pain she was started on some strong painkillers and sedation to lessen the pain. but as the pain lessen, she slept more til it was to the point that we can only ensure she is alive by seeing that pulsating IJ vein. i felt sad for her. her condition was bad that she had stopped eating and drinking completely for at least 3 days cuz she was always sleeping. she doesn't respond to calls or touch. but i choose to believe that she hears and wants to respond.

my 1st night, she was due for a s/c plug change but she was so skinny that there were no fats on her to set the s/c plug into. being full of fats i can't imagine it. then when i was doing the changing (alone), i was talking to her. telling her its me and what i need her to do (e.g. lift her her hips, turn, etc) she was moaning. i don't think it was pain but rather she was wanting to talk to me? i softly told her "ah ma, its ok now. i don't know if u know God/ Jesus but i know He is watching over u. ah ma, with all this tubes going into u, u won't feel the pain anymore. just let go when u feel u r ready ok?" i know its not right to talk to my patients openly about Jesus as if conventing them but i was not. nobody will refuse a blessing/ prayer lor. back home, i spoke to Andera (whom i had covered her MC night) abt ah ma. we agree she should just go. after that i prayed a short prayer for ah ma.

i was 1/2 hoping ah ma would pass away during AM/ PM shift so that i won't have to pack. but part of me was hoping she will still be there. 2nd night came, she was still there. before work starts, i made a round familiarising myself with my patients. and stopped by ah ma telling her i am on duty already. some relatives from the opp. bed commented that we nurses are so noble. not afraid of dying pt when even the pt's son was afraid to stand too close to his own mother. i smiled and chatted abit. during the report passing, heard from the previous shift that pt wasn't doing well and some stuff were done for her. i got a feeling that ah ma was waiting to bid her final farewell to me and i told my jr to do her stuff fast fast tonight cuz we will be busy.

although reminding my jr to finish her stuff fast, i took my time to write my report. if i had been more prudent with time, i might had finish reports and stuff by 3am! but i didn't. =( but hor... i think i got a style to maintain mah! LOL.

3am, while my jr was doing parameter for ah ma (taking her pulse and SPO2), the machine shown a flat line. my jr said "esther". and i jokely said "i don't like the way u call me" and my jr continued "push out the trolley now". i was blurred for a while. trolley? what trolley? cuz i was at the injection trolley, i thot; injection trolley?! for what? then it hit me. i ran to the prep room, push out the trolley and ta-da..it was confirmed already.

while going abt with other work, i said to my jr "why ah ma didn't bid me byebye then leave?" maybe i felt it should be me to discover her asystole. but not long after i said that a small still voice told me that "ah ma did say byebye. she wait for me, didn't she?" i am sure she had given me her blessing and to cyn. too. cuz before cyn left she even came over to see ah ma.

i am affected cuz i will miss ah ma. i am affected cuz i felt the family was so well prepared that they were just waiting for her to go. no crying, no hugging not even touching. they simply did the necessary and left a scripture chant tape by her side to 'rest' her soul. compared to that tape, i am glad not only did we, the nurses and staff, gave 'rest' to her (treating her pain & stuff), we had also touched her soul by our tender care and constant concern.

may all those lovable ah ma be happy always and to those gauche ah ma- aiyooo...wake up ur idea! how many more years do u think u have left? stop being a pain and start living with openness and joy! *sigh*

spill the beans

the more i try to blog it right the more i get choked. thus i will tell all and release it out into the vast space of faceless pple.

no.1
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i hate the stupidity of audits! don't the auditors understand it too that all those things that they see are all an act that people are putting up to win their credits? (afterall the world is a stage and we are the actors playing different roles? - some social theory)

in order to do well in the audit we are being fed with informations so overloading. we are told to comply to the standards for the days of the audits while for the past months i was never brief that we MUST do it these ways and that. and i must say that some of those standards are stupid and non-practical. who are those that came up with the standards? had they tried it out in the ground setting? seriously singapore should wake up their idea of chasing after those "latest fashion". we had been awarded for this standard and that since year so and so. no doubt standards are great and marks your company somewhere on the already so crowded globle scene. but had those standards been interalised by the entire organisation? STOP LYING TO URSELF!

for the sake of the audit we had to do those last minute internal audits, come early to do the basic care, change the schedule of things and etc. even those that are really important to us (the customers) can feel the different. how am i to answer then the customers ask "why is the timing for XXXX different for today?" should i answer "cuz we are having the audit so in order not to be caught in the action and be asked 101 questions we need to do it eariler/ later"

being in the SHE and product stewardship team long ago. i know how the wayang is like. how anal those auditors are. on the day of auditing, all REAL work cease. the business will go on but those that may pose a question to the policy will be hidden somewhere, somehow. staff are stationed to answer standard questions with the standard answers. on that day of auditing the company will act like they support the drive 101% but on the usual days they will fight the team on those 'weird' and 'inconvience' ideas that need to be implemented in order to comply to the standards. auditors instead of helping to understand the situation and help suggest areas of improvement seemingly are only targeted to score or to minus points.

although i am not against standards and policies, i am certainly disgusted by the way people twist and turn to 'comply' to it. standards and policies should be educated to everyone in the company until its ingrained into every single member of the 'family'. not last minute then try to cover the gaps and fix the hole.

no. 2
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within the 1 month of transfer to another team, i had gained myself 3 reflections and 1 conselling! i am so depressed. i am very upset with my performace and i hate it, hate it, hate it.

as a mature person, i ought to accept the responsibility and deal with it objectively to improve myself. but i realise if i do just that i will be saying "ok, i had noted my mistake. yes, i will try to be better and be more careful in the futher" but because i really see my mistake and personalise the responsibility of wanting not just be a staff but a good performing one, i felt terrible. i wanted to cry during my conselling but i fought the tears back. why cry?! its stupid to do that and certainly not professional.

its easy to say its the air, the weather, the stress, the timing or all any other shit that had cause me to make the mistake. its the easy way out, shifting the blame and get on with life. but i don't want to be that sort of person. i want to live life true to myself and others. but my pride often get in the way in admitting i am wrong and needs to change. *sigh* its always that issue with pride....

no.3
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the managers asked me "is there something bothering you?" i said yes. now now...without any reserve i am going to tell all of u that read my blog what i feel and what i said; although i know i may be hitting some sensitive areas. please understand whatever my views are, its just the way i am feeling and u may not like the way i had expressed it. perfectly fine with me. i don't really live to please u. (at least this will be the atittude i will be holding on to until i leave this place)

my conversation with the managers. (although its not everything, these are the bits and pieces i can remember):
me: i am very stress in the team. i think the team is very weak
m: why do you think it is weak? who are in the team? *look thru the list*
me: (rattle off the names i know that are in the team)
m: ok lar, a few of them are weak but there are seniors like K, S and T is coming over to the back too
me: yah. but i don't work with K and some senior don't really produce work like senior does
m: *quiet*
s: yah but the other time u were saying the front room is very heavy and you don't think u can care for 20 pts. so we shift u to the back where u will care for 1 rm. but u know right? every 6 months or so we will move the staff around to different room so everyone will get to know each other better.
me: yes. i did say that the front room is very heavy but no matter how heavy the work was i was very happy working there. even if i am showering pt til 12 noon. i am happy cuz the pple there makes working a joy. now in the back, even if i finish my work by 10am, i am still unhappy. cuz the pple i work with always give the face that i am owning them stuff.
m: who is it that u said shows the face like u r owning them stuff and how?
me: the atittude and way she talks while handing over report or taking report or working together. its S.
m: (to s) see.
me: its really very stressful. to work with J and Mly too. they are not very steady, working with them makes me jittery too.
(and the talk went on and on)
m: so u tell me what we can do to help you?
s: see, i can see you problem. but by pulling you out of the team will not be helping you. (she continued...i was spacing out liao)
me: no lar. no need for it. i think its just a transition time for me, getting use to the team, pple and the culture there.
m: ok lar. then we will talk again in 1 month time.

my views (now): my new team SUCKS!
#1:
support/ standards.my seniors in the team aren't great standard to follow, at least i don't look up to them. teamwork? hmm... hardly. perhaps in the past the girls in front will always pop in and look 'check' on my work reminding me stuff so i won't miss anything. so i am so use to the helpful seniors. here the culture is "care for urself. ask if u need to. otherwise don't expect me to KPO KPO check ur work" thus leaving lots lots of areas of mistake and loop-holes.
#2:
teamwork. front room girls will often wait til everything is settled or at least more or less settled before leaving. being there means a lot to me. even if u r just standing here helping with the little things lets me feel and know that u care. even when i meant it saying "u go back 1st bah" my heart is warmed enough to stay til 2am if i have to. now? "aiyo its 9.45 already. i am leaving 1st" or even before that they are already sitting at the clerk's counter waiting for the 100M dash to the door! *sigh*...
#3:
people. its the personalities. very personal, no doubt. everyone is differently made so there is no perfect person that will have the perfect chemistry with everyone. i understand but i still want to comment.
S-face black like nobody business. everytime being near, with or even withine 5m of her radius. i feel jittery, like she will spontanously combust or something anytime! my comment to her "if u r so unhappy, leave lar. why work til so unhappy? its not satifying for you neither it is a pleasure for us to be with you" somebody told me that its the stress that was getting into S that makes her that way, otherwise she is a nice person. err... i don't think i had ever find her nice enough for my 'not too bad' list. she is only in my 'ok-lor' list.
J-ultra nice, super sweet. but low in confidence, gets distracted and confused easily. i think she will improve in time. but for now, working with her is very stress cuz i am used to working with people that deal and solve problems intelligently on their own. and yes... i don't really like to listen to your problem if you aren't really interested in solving it. "have a problem? think what is the best way to solve it, cover ur ass and move on, babe."
Mly-need i say more? she lives in milkyway! why milkyway?! cuz males are from mars, females from venus, kidos from pluto. milkyway r for those lost in the space, scattered all over but surely they are always physically there! can't miss them sort. she nurse paper and even then its terrible. 1x a porter (MIND U! PORTER LEH) asked me "that girl is new huh? why she transfer pt like that one?" then on numerous time pts make comments on that missy that does things like this and that. *shake head* my service recovery skill might just improve working in this room!
overall- i don't like it went they comment on why some pple r so F.O.S/R. i can understand it if such comments are once or twice but if it comes on so often.... *sigh* i got nothing much to comment lor. as much as we want to get done with our work, those lying on the metal planks are humans! there are those that are truely not deserving the pity cuz they don't even actively care for themselves and are only here for attention. but there are those that really need help. if all our pt r good and well, not needing anything... there must be some problem in the system!

wrapping this entry up... my short term plan is: should i flow with the culture and get into the circle? or just shut up do my work, watch my ass? hmmm.... i think i will go for the later. i am predicting that i will be jaded by the end of 3 years. i will work like a robot and watch the clock. *ding-dong* "9.45pm already, byebye. huh? u need help huh? aiyo... ok lar. i help lor.... can go now? can go now? can go now?"
my mid term plan is: move out of this place and explore other disciplines. learn new things from other wards. i am predicting i might never have very many friends in this line. =( if u r a missy and reading this, welcome... u r in my very limited pool of friends. =)
my long term plan: explore the other hospitals and learn the best practises. bring it with me as an experience and assest to wherever i will be in the future.

heck care

after working for a few days now after the long break, i am getting on the move. feels smoother now. even though i am on the same shift as A i am fine. u know why? cuz i heck care lar! if she wants to be "stupid" then let her be ba.

i remembered her asking me to change some dressing material but being unsure and not wanting to take her instruction (cuz i think its really >80% unreliable) i called sister no.3 to take a look instead. although the recommendation was the same as ms A, i was more at ease doing what sister no.3 said. haha... see rank, huh?!? o_O? no lar, i am not that sort of person!!

lucky the day was relatively easily, i had time to do calling. stupid ms A did not call H.Center for appt of BMA procedure! so the report was passed on for the pass 3 days saying pt for BMA on 2/3/07. so the day comes and i wonder how on earth will the center knows abt the pt's procedure leh!? Dr S although is exteremly nice but will she go and inform the center?!?! hmm.. not possible ba. so i call this no. and that no. and they direct me to yet another ext and ext and ext... finally i got thru and long story short... procedure done and it was really fast!! 2 thumbs up to the nurses @ H.center!! must compliment them!! =))

so then came the time to pass report to ys and ms.D (i think i mentioned her before). ys is nice and all. ms.D was ok lar but 1/2 way thru she and missy-wait-long-long started talking loudly! *faint* i felt my voice getting louder and louder then i suddenly stop and made the disgusted sound that "looney tune" loves to make. i was a little disgusted by them but then heck-care lar.

show me attitidue? i'll show u attitidue... the next time if they like this again, i will just stop and say "still want me to pass or not?! if not interested then i will just stop here then." woohoo... that will stir shit and kill my future in the company, man!! haha... but... heck care lah...

my friend and i used to plan to have a PMS day every month/ week. and on that day we will be very nasty and short-temper and will frown thru'out the day. i don't think he had started it yet. but i trust he will do it well cuz he was from that field previously! haha... so MR if u r reading this lets get together and plan on how to launch our project PMS! hahaha... long time since we did a project together! =))

cloudy mind

today isn't a good day at all. after a long break back to work, hands are a little stiff and reactions are super duper slow! i hate that feeling. although i am caring for less patients, ys (caring 2x more pt than me) was helping me out! shit!! i felt so useless! =( need someone to shake me into shape! must wake up my idea!!! damn it...

terrible -1
i debated within if i wanted to post my "anger" of this person online. well, i guess its ok. this person let me call her A. everytime being around her makes me feel like she is deliberating making me feel "belittled" and showing that she is very smart. but i honestly think she is very 自做聪明 or at least think she THINKS she is very "tough/ smart". eg. i pass to her this thing abt hmm... an appt. :

scene 1-
me: "so the appoint is going to be done at ABC center and it will be on 30/2/07. please make sure patient is nil by mouth and plug needed."

A: "so the patient going for the appointment. must insert plug and nil by mouth right? (tone of voice is very important!!! hers was a tone of 'hey do u know!??!')"

me: "ya." (mental note- tot i mentioned to u liao?! what the f* man!!)

scene 2-
me: "patient is K+ is low. but its not too bad lar. told the on-call already. nil order"

A: "what?!?! nil order?! i must call to scold him liao! how can?!"

me: (mental note- scold!? wow... must be damn cool to watch how she scold the Dr!!)

A: (on the phone) so this patient is having low K+ what do you want to order? (tone is again very important! the tone and the level of voice was hardly even stern in my view!! she ought to hear how $$ call the on-call!! wow!! that is REAL POWER!!)

because of these accumulative experiences with her, i associate her with an ex-classmate. talk big, act clever and work so-so only. hmmm... put it this way; i don't really like her. but since she don't seems to "give face" to me or like me i DON'T THINK I NEED TO LIKE HER LOR!! the feeling is sama-sama, ba.

terrible - 2
its again feelings!!! wonder if i am having my PMS! hahaha... bed 9 was d/c and since ys was not around to answer the call from the drug store. i took the call. bed 9's dr had ordered the same old meds for her so in order not to waste, mei asked if bed 9 still has those at home? i went over to ask bed 9, wow!!!!!!! SHE FLARED @ ME!! darn... wats her problem idiot!! anyway long story short... i think she dislike me, as usual i don't need to like her either (but i don't hate her lar). *pui*

terrible - 3
dad is hospitalised for S.O.B. in KL. mom was informed and she wanted to ask if i was able to go to KL with her to visit him. i didn't feel anything abt him being hospitalised, maybe somewhere deep there hurts had been released but love that never exist could never be restored. (right? if there is nothing there, how to restore leh?)

then the question popped up in my mind. what if he pass away or is diagnosed to have X amt of time. what will i do? or what will the entire family do? simply attend the funeral? care for him for the last days? who or which side will decide on the last procedures e.g.-DNR.? what sort of coffin? shit like that. honestly i don't know!!!

if we do, the hurt that was imposed on the family was terrible. were we all to exercise forgiveness to such an extreme?! (wow!! really like turning the other side of the face to be slap sia!) or should we let him rot in whoever that is/are willing to clean his shit!? then appear to be so cold and unforgiving (afterall that ur father leh... in my mom's direct quote). then assuming we get past that stage, @ the funneral do we invite the "unorthodoxs" be part of the family in the ritual and shit (thank God i am a Christian!) or host them as guests or ban them totally?! damn with all those crazy decision needed to be made! or will we even care enough to host the funneral or simply burn him and chuck him somewhere in a temple or sort? hahah... and then the will!! the money!! the properties?!?! and maybe even the debts?!?!

see lar... man are nothing but shitload of problem for others! idiots!!!

terrible - 4 ...5....6.....7....8....9....10 (list continue)

but then again, who the f* don't have problems leh?! its on our own to handle and see what sort of solutions to come up with, right?

(WARNING!! crap ahead)
could the reason for govt. push for creativity thinking be due to the nation's lack of creativity problem-solving thus leading to increase in depression, substance-abuses and suidical cases?! hmm...