心寒

i don't want to move backwards. i don't want to doubt my calling. but happenings are just so trying.

i am often reminded the story of coffee beans, carrot and egg, how they went through the heat of the boiling water. coffee bean was the victor cuz not only it did not change orginal itself, it enhanced the water with its aroma and flavor. carrot was the tortured poor soul that was so 'damaged' by the heat that it eventually became soft inside out and lost its initial self. egg was the weathered hard nut, its experience in the heat made it all hard and loses it unique flavor. which is u? and which is me? i want to be the coffee bean but i see myself moving towards being an egg. its safer to be that, i suppose, and less painful too. just by being hard and totally emotional-less, i will not be harm or affected by the outside factor. even if the water boils any futher, a hard boiled egg will just remain hard boiled. but i don't want that to be me. God did not make me that way and i am sure He doesn't want me to be that too.

still... the world is harsh and the people are ruthless. so what if we are in a 'noble' job? so what if we poured our all into the life of those in need of a moment of love and care? there is nothing in return. its expected of, i suppose. afterall we are paid, aren't we?

my prayer today is "God, is everyone designed and destinated to be the coffee beans? if yes, why are there so much differences? if no, can i stubbornly choose to be an egg and never get affected by anything?" if only God replies in emails and sms... i have so much to tell... *sigh*