i had a feeling that my friends in the workplace is getting lesser by the numbers. am i creating too many enemies?! err... i think no lar. it just that many of those people that i like are leaving by the batches. *sigh*

initially i thought i like H-BO but she was a little distant from the day i knew her. her being around her always make me feel safe, like being near a mother-hen. =) but still i always felt that she wasn't very open about her personal life. giving me the feeling that she draws a rather clear line between this is my work and u r my colleague, that is our relationship. anything beyond that is a blessing but if it doesn't happen that is the default. i thought that was rather icy of her. but of cuz after being around for awhile i realised she can be rather warm. =)

but the "u r just my colleague here at work, outside we aren't friends" sort of mindset had been buzzing around me since day 1 of my working life and nursing course. the reason being- there are always either bitchy and bossy or "snake-eaters" among us. although i don't like to smile to people that i don't like and act as if we are great team players and beset of buddy at work, i don't openly snare at them or stab them from the back. because i don't like to work with no smileys and joy, i try to avoid working with people that i don't like or they don't like me. its a torture!! its worst then being starved for 30 days!!! *faint*

my policy is clear- if u don't like me, i don't have to love u. although not very Christ-like, it makes me sane! at least when someone shows me a long face (which normally i don't see her doing it with others) i will not be offended. cuz her feelings/ attitude towards me will not blow me off my footing. can't be all so sensitive and "xiao jie" lar. face it, Esther! 1) the world don't revolve around u! 2) u rn't that lovable that everyone in the world needs to love u! haha.. even fann wong got her anti fann wong fans! =P

my heart had harden towards those "colleagues" so much so that that even after knowing that because i had done 1 mistake thus causing them to be grilled by the boss or sinking into shit. i won't feel gulity or anything! the only thing i could think of was... "ok, so that was not what should be done. next time i better do it right." as for the situation at the point of time... i felt it was for that "colleague" to settle. basically "it now ur problem liao".

i know its really terrible for me to be like that. and honestly as i compose this entry, i felt like i am an evil backstab and trouble-maker in the making!! if this continue i will be causing lots of problem! that is not what a good nurse or a good person with basic moral should do!

but... i am just begaining to start hating the every thought of having to face those "colleagues". sigh... maybe i should change to a friendlier environment??!?
*sigh* but i don't want to move on so soon. there are still so much more that i want to learn from those nice nice ones. =(