spill the beans

the more i try to blog it right the more i get choked. thus i will tell all and release it out into the vast space of faceless pple.

no.1
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i hate the stupidity of audits! don't the auditors understand it too that all those things that they see are all an act that people are putting up to win their credits? (afterall the world is a stage and we are the actors playing different roles? - some social theory)

in order to do well in the audit we are being fed with informations so overloading. we are told to comply to the standards for the days of the audits while for the past months i was never brief that we MUST do it these ways and that. and i must say that some of those standards are stupid and non-practical. who are those that came up with the standards? had they tried it out in the ground setting? seriously singapore should wake up their idea of chasing after those "latest fashion". we had been awarded for this standard and that since year so and so. no doubt standards are great and marks your company somewhere on the already so crowded globle scene. but had those standards been interalised by the entire organisation? STOP LYING TO URSELF!

for the sake of the audit we had to do those last minute internal audits, come early to do the basic care, change the schedule of things and etc. even those that are really important to us (the customers) can feel the different. how am i to answer then the customers ask "why is the timing for XXXX different for today?" should i answer "cuz we are having the audit so in order not to be caught in the action and be asked 101 questions we need to do it eariler/ later"

being in the SHE and product stewardship team long ago. i know how the wayang is like. how anal those auditors are. on the day of auditing, all REAL work cease. the business will go on but those that may pose a question to the policy will be hidden somewhere, somehow. staff are stationed to answer standard questions with the standard answers. on that day of auditing the company will act like they support the drive 101% but on the usual days they will fight the team on those 'weird' and 'inconvience' ideas that need to be implemented in order to comply to the standards. auditors instead of helping to understand the situation and help suggest areas of improvement seemingly are only targeted to score or to minus points.

although i am not against standards and policies, i am certainly disgusted by the way people twist and turn to 'comply' to it. standards and policies should be educated to everyone in the company until its ingrained into every single member of the 'family'. not last minute then try to cover the gaps and fix the hole.

no. 2
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within the 1 month of transfer to another team, i had gained myself 3 reflections and 1 conselling! i am so depressed. i am very upset with my performace and i hate it, hate it, hate it.

as a mature person, i ought to accept the responsibility and deal with it objectively to improve myself. but i realise if i do just that i will be saying "ok, i had noted my mistake. yes, i will try to be better and be more careful in the futher" but because i really see my mistake and personalise the responsibility of wanting not just be a staff but a good performing one, i felt terrible. i wanted to cry during my conselling but i fought the tears back. why cry?! its stupid to do that and certainly not professional.

its easy to say its the air, the weather, the stress, the timing or all any other shit that had cause me to make the mistake. its the easy way out, shifting the blame and get on with life. but i don't want to be that sort of person. i want to live life true to myself and others. but my pride often get in the way in admitting i am wrong and needs to change. *sigh* its always that issue with pride....

no.3
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the managers asked me "is there something bothering you?" i said yes. now now...without any reserve i am going to tell all of u that read my blog what i feel and what i said; although i know i may be hitting some sensitive areas. please understand whatever my views are, its just the way i am feeling and u may not like the way i had expressed it. perfectly fine with me. i don't really live to please u. (at least this will be the atittude i will be holding on to until i leave this place)

my conversation with the managers. (although its not everything, these are the bits and pieces i can remember):
me: i am very stress in the team. i think the team is very weak
m: why do you think it is weak? who are in the team? *look thru the list*
me: (rattle off the names i know that are in the team)
m: ok lar, a few of them are weak but there are seniors like K, S and T is coming over to the back too
me: yah. but i don't work with K and some senior don't really produce work like senior does
m: *quiet*
s: yah but the other time u were saying the front room is very heavy and you don't think u can care for 20 pts. so we shift u to the back where u will care for 1 rm. but u know right? every 6 months or so we will move the staff around to different room so everyone will get to know each other better.
me: yes. i did say that the front room is very heavy but no matter how heavy the work was i was very happy working there. even if i am showering pt til 12 noon. i am happy cuz the pple there makes working a joy. now in the back, even if i finish my work by 10am, i am still unhappy. cuz the pple i work with always give the face that i am owning them stuff.
m: who is it that u said shows the face like u r owning them stuff and how?
me: the atittude and way she talks while handing over report or taking report or working together. its S.
m: (to s) see.
me: its really very stressful. to work with J and Mly too. they are not very steady, working with them makes me jittery too.
(and the talk went on and on)
m: so u tell me what we can do to help you?
s: see, i can see you problem. but by pulling you out of the team will not be helping you. (she continued...i was spacing out liao)
me: no lar. no need for it. i think its just a transition time for me, getting use to the team, pple and the culture there.
m: ok lar. then we will talk again in 1 month time.

my views (now): my new team SUCKS!
#1:
support/ standards.my seniors in the team aren't great standard to follow, at least i don't look up to them. teamwork? hmm... hardly. perhaps in the past the girls in front will always pop in and look 'check' on my work reminding me stuff so i won't miss anything. so i am so use to the helpful seniors. here the culture is "care for urself. ask if u need to. otherwise don't expect me to KPO KPO check ur work" thus leaving lots lots of areas of mistake and loop-holes.
#2:
teamwork. front room girls will often wait til everything is settled or at least more or less settled before leaving. being there means a lot to me. even if u r just standing here helping with the little things lets me feel and know that u care. even when i meant it saying "u go back 1st bah" my heart is warmed enough to stay til 2am if i have to. now? "aiyo its 9.45 already. i am leaving 1st" or even before that they are already sitting at the clerk's counter waiting for the 100M dash to the door! *sigh*...
#3:
people. its the personalities. very personal, no doubt. everyone is differently made so there is no perfect person that will have the perfect chemistry with everyone. i understand but i still want to comment.
S-face black like nobody business. everytime being near, with or even withine 5m of her radius. i feel jittery, like she will spontanously combust or something anytime! my comment to her "if u r so unhappy, leave lar. why work til so unhappy? its not satifying for you neither it is a pleasure for us to be with you" somebody told me that its the stress that was getting into S that makes her that way, otherwise she is a nice person. err... i don't think i had ever find her nice enough for my 'not too bad' list. she is only in my 'ok-lor' list.
J-ultra nice, super sweet. but low in confidence, gets distracted and confused easily. i think she will improve in time. but for now, working with her is very stress cuz i am used to working with people that deal and solve problems intelligently on their own. and yes... i don't really like to listen to your problem if you aren't really interested in solving it. "have a problem? think what is the best way to solve it, cover ur ass and move on, babe."
Mly-need i say more? she lives in milkyway! why milkyway?! cuz males are from mars, females from venus, kidos from pluto. milkyway r for those lost in the space, scattered all over but surely they are always physically there! can't miss them sort. she nurse paper and even then its terrible. 1x a porter (MIND U! PORTER LEH) asked me "that girl is new huh? why she transfer pt like that one?" then on numerous time pts make comments on that missy that does things like this and that. *shake head* my service recovery skill might just improve working in this room!
overall- i don't like it went they comment on why some pple r so F.O.S/R. i can understand it if such comments are once or twice but if it comes on so often.... *sigh* i got nothing much to comment lor. as much as we want to get done with our work, those lying on the metal planks are humans! there are those that are truely not deserving the pity cuz they don't even actively care for themselves and are only here for attention. but there are those that really need help. if all our pt r good and well, not needing anything... there must be some problem in the system!

wrapping this entry up... my short term plan is: should i flow with the culture and get into the circle? or just shut up do my work, watch my ass? hmmm.... i think i will go for the later. i am predicting that i will be jaded by the end of 3 years. i will work like a robot and watch the clock. *ding-dong* "9.45pm already, byebye. huh? u need help huh? aiyo... ok lar. i help lor.... can go now? can go now? can go now?"
my mid term plan is: move out of this place and explore other disciplines. learn new things from other wards. i am predicting i might never have very many friends in this line. =( if u r a missy and reading this, welcome... u r in my very limited pool of friends. =)
my long term plan: explore the other hospitals and learn the best practises. bring it with me as an experience and assest to wherever i will be in the future.