i am choking

i won't cry and i will not! even when i am choked by my emotions, the disappointment in myself and the weakness in me. i won't cry! although crying is not a sign of weakness, i am so angry, so choked that i promise myself not to cry.

i need God more than ever. perhaps that will be the only way, i can release the 'pain' and 'stress' i am feeling now. i am so tired, emotionally and physically. i don't know if i can hold on for another 2 more years until the end of my bond.

i wonder am i simply looking for excuses for the weakness in me and the incompetence in me. sigh... i am so tired that i can't find the words to express myself.

for the 1st time in my current path, i am stress to the point that i can't sleep. i am so tired, wanting to sleep but my nerves are still so active- shooting impluses all over my body. its making me unable to calm down and sit still. the quietness of the night makes it easier for me to breathe. the stillness of the air relaxes me. i think i am getting some sort of mental illness. =(

why am i stress?
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mistake after mistakes, i can't believe i am so stupid, so unlucky and so terrible. i had failed to meet my expectation for myself perhaps that is the worst sort of failure.

i am stress by my new environment and the people that i going to be with for a long time. although pple will tell me if i keep those thoughts of mine up, i will never get rid of it. and i will never improve... still i am holding it up just like a child refusing to get rid of her rugged old doll in exchange of a brand new one.

i am angry by those that express their concerns only to sake of it. coxingly they asked "what's bothering you? is there something you think we can help?" after telling them my concerns and those bothering me, the answer was "we understand your concerns and we will try our best to intervene into the situation BUT you got to understand that ..." i wants to scream out "IF THE REASON FOR YOU ASKING ME IS JUST TO KPO THE PROBLEM AND MY THOUGHTS, GO AND DIE!" afterall the solution to the problem was as simply as "SOLVE IT URSELF! WE MAY BE MANAGERS BUT IF UR OWN PROBLEM SO DEAL WITH IT!" which bring me to another level of anger... why do the managers and lecturers of the school pass students for the sake of passing them?! don't they understand that they are not simply lying to themselves, to the student and killing millions down the road?!?! killing the pple that will eventually be working with the 'just pass her lar but no need to be very high grade' person and killing the organisational imagine (the list can goes a mile long!).

i am lost, i can't think straight now. i shall end here.