affected...yet again (warning-long entry)

a few months ago, i was still saying to keep my distance from those patients and relatives so that i won't be hurt by those 'double-headed' shits. they who smile and praise u only to turn their back and complaint to the boss about u. that was a difficult time for me, cuz i trusted in humanity and people's goodness and kindness. but after crying out to God of my 'suffering' and those distraction, He had heard my prayers. i regained my passion for people and i felt my love double and joy tripled for the patients and sometime family. still there are trying times but generally beyond my grumbles, i love where i am and the destiny i am walking in... cuz His yoke is light and easy to bear. =)

so if i am happy, why am i affected... yet again?! how can we love if we don't connect? recently after being posted back to my previous team for a few days here and there, i grew attached to a few grannies (ah ma). not that i found them cute or funny but simply just love-able. mind you! they can be really naughty! pulling out plugs, tubes and climbing out of beds! but after talking to them and having them responded to me makes me happy. they are not so 'crazy' afterall! they understand and listen to logic. the reason for their 'naughty' behaviour was either pain, anixety or err... boredom?!

1 of the granny, Ng, passed away this break of dawn, while i was on shift. normally i don't do packing but why this case happened during mine? i have no idea but i guess it was her final goodbye and thank u to me?

ah ma;
she was 'branded' to be on the path of passing off, it was a matter of time-medically. it was what the dr and nurses felt. she tricked death a few times by having really low blood pressure or suddenly desaturate in her oxygen level. but she always pull thru. although she can look weak and fragile, her pulse was often strong and steady. =( while she was still in the 'awake' mode- able to understand us and talk, days/ weeks before, i fed her dinner. after dinner, she said "is this the best meal ever for these days. i will have no regret dying now" my reply to her "no lar. rubbish, u won't die so fast one lar"

she seems well except for her on-off drowsiness and restlessness. because she complaint of very very bad pain she was started on some strong painkillers and sedation to lessen the pain. but as the pain lessen, she slept more til it was to the point that we can only ensure she is alive by seeing that pulsating IJ vein. i felt sad for her. her condition was bad that she had stopped eating and drinking completely for at least 3 days cuz she was always sleeping. she doesn't respond to calls or touch. but i choose to believe that she hears and wants to respond.

my 1st night, she was due for a s/c plug change but she was so skinny that there were no fats on her to set the s/c plug into. being full of fats i can't imagine it. then when i was doing the changing (alone), i was talking to her. telling her its me and what i need her to do (e.g. lift her her hips, turn, etc) she was moaning. i don't think it was pain but rather she was wanting to talk to me? i softly told her "ah ma, its ok now. i don't know if u know God/ Jesus but i know He is watching over u. ah ma, with all this tubes going into u, u won't feel the pain anymore. just let go when u feel u r ready ok?" i know its not right to talk to my patients openly about Jesus as if conventing them but i was not. nobody will refuse a blessing/ prayer lor. back home, i spoke to Andera (whom i had covered her MC night) abt ah ma. we agree she should just go. after that i prayed a short prayer for ah ma.

i was 1/2 hoping ah ma would pass away during AM/ PM shift so that i won't have to pack. but part of me was hoping she will still be there. 2nd night came, she was still there. before work starts, i made a round familiarising myself with my patients. and stopped by ah ma telling her i am on duty already. some relatives from the opp. bed commented that we nurses are so noble. not afraid of dying pt when even the pt's son was afraid to stand too close to his own mother. i smiled and chatted abit. during the report passing, heard from the previous shift that pt wasn't doing well and some stuff were done for her. i got a feeling that ah ma was waiting to bid her final farewell to me and i told my jr to do her stuff fast fast tonight cuz we will be busy.

although reminding my jr to finish her stuff fast, i took my time to write my report. if i had been more prudent with time, i might had finish reports and stuff by 3am! but i didn't. =( but hor... i think i got a style to maintain mah! LOL.

3am, while my jr was doing parameter for ah ma (taking her pulse and SPO2), the machine shown a flat line. my jr said "esther". and i jokely said "i don't like the way u call me" and my jr continued "push out the trolley now". i was blurred for a while. trolley? what trolley? cuz i was at the injection trolley, i thot; injection trolley?! for what? then it hit me. i ran to the prep room, push out the trolley and ta-da..it was confirmed already.

while going abt with other work, i said to my jr "why ah ma didn't bid me byebye then leave?" maybe i felt it should be me to discover her asystole. but not long after i said that a small still voice told me that "ah ma did say byebye. she wait for me, didn't she?" i am sure she had given me her blessing and to cyn. too. cuz before cyn left she even came over to see ah ma.

i am affected cuz i will miss ah ma. i am affected cuz i felt the family was so well prepared that they were just waiting for her to go. no crying, no hugging not even touching. they simply did the necessary and left a scripture chant tape by her side to 'rest' her soul. compared to that tape, i am glad not only did we, the nurses and staff, gave 'rest' to her (treating her pain & stuff), we had also touched her soul by our tender care and constant concern.

may all those lovable ah ma be happy always and to those gauche ah ma- aiyooo...wake up ur idea! how many more years do u think u have left? stop being a pain and start living with openness and joy! *sigh*