the unrepented one

eph4:14
then we will no longer be like children forever changing our minds about what we believe because someone has told us something different or because some has cleverly lied to us and made the lie sound like the truth.

being a believer for a long time, doesn't means understanding every single Bible verse. understanding comes with revelation from the Holy Spirit and also through situational-learning. a glimpse of light shone through my messy brain last night in cell.

in fact, that drawing Light had never left me. It had been there all the while but what's the problem? did Jesus say that when there is light, the darkness will flee? ya... but if the situation is like mine... its different... i am doing on purpose... purposely blocking the Light by placing things in between the light source and my eyes... such childish spitful act ought to be whack in the face! isn't it?

i want to go back to the Light but i need time to sort things out and be myself. i know the people around me are concern and worry for me. i can sense their care and trying... but i am a very stubborn person in that area. i will come out when i am ready. when will i be ready, you may ask... just like a person who say... i will receive Jesus in my heart only when i am ready... we all know she/he will never be good enough or ready enough. so normally we will push for a decision there and then. but i am different, i don't give in that way. the more people push me, the more i fight back/ retreat. so don't try too hard, i will bite! sorry for being so but its me...

looking at myself i think i deserve hell but i know Jesus don't want that for me and He wants me back. even if it means to go through the whipping and mocking and the nailing on the cross. i am such a bad child... *sigh*... but this bad child is looking for something ... something that was lost long ago... i am looking for it, even if i can't find it i would at least want to know how on earth it got lost along the way... did i miss it? neglect it? or simply grew out of it?! let me see... give me time...

ps- i don't work well with people 'pushing' me... i think i am a individualist...